“Thanks, Miss.”
Alys skips away towards the canteen, and I’m left alone in my classroom. The silence, broken only by the pitter-patter of raindrops on the windows, soon becomes deafening as my feelings of inadequacy flood back in.
Deciding to go and embrace the noise of the staff room for a while, I pick up my lunch bag (packed full of deliciousness of Connor’s making), then change my mind and leave it on my desk. I make my way to the staff room with my water bottle instead. Thankfully, there’s a seat free at the table next to my work bestie, Violet.
You know she just tolerates you, right? She’d rather you weren’t here.
Humming – under my breath so I don’t draw attention to myself – I turn away from the table and head for the kettle.
“You’ll come, won’t you, Tilly?” Vi calls between spoonfuls of yoghurt.
“Hmm?” I busy my hands with finding a clean mug and teaspoon. “Go where?”
“End of year do! We’re thinking of going to The Nightingale for food, then out for drinks in town.”
Maybe letting my hair down would do me good?
I blush uncomfortably as I realise I’ve probably walked in on their conversation and they feel obliged to ask me to go. I always feel awkward when we go out anyway. Everyone gets dressed up and looks amazing, drinking, dancing and enjoying themselves while I sit in the corner feeling like the fat friend bringing everyone down.
“Erm, no, I think I’m busy that day, sorry.” I add milk to my tea and make a mental note to add it to my tracker when I get back to class.
Violet laughs. “I didn’t even tell you when we’re going! You’re going whether you want to or not. You deserve it after” –Please don’t announce it in front of everyone –“Rhys cheated on you and you left him.”
Everyone in the room pauses mid-bite and turns to look at me. My cheeks burn as I silently curse Violet. She doesn’t meananything by it, but her lack of filter can be the bane of my life.
“He did what?” Seren asks, her mouth full of cheese sandwich.
“When did this happen?” Tim, the school’s biggest gossip, seems a little disappointed that he hasn’t heard it first.
“I left him last week,” I answer simply. I’m sure they don’t really want to know the details of my shitshow of a life. I pick up my cup of tea and make to leave the room.
“Aren’t you staying for lunch?” Violet asks me as my hand lands on the door.
“No, I already ate at my desk,” I lie.
“Okay. But youarecoming out with us. Get yourself something hot to wear, and we’ll find you someone to get under so you can get over Rhys!”
A shudder wracks my entire body at the thought of sleeping with someone new. At least with Rhys he knew what he was getting into.
I force a smile and a small ‘Okay’ before retreating to the quiet of my classroom. Once I close the door behind me, my panicked thoughts swirl around my brain and make me dizzy. I slump into my desk chair. Unfortunately, I sit too hard and the chair spins around, making me even more dizzy. The prospect of going out and being sociable is daunting enough, but now I need to go shopping to buy something to wear. I doubt my usual jeans-and-top combo will satisfy Violet, who, at twenty-three, is effortlessly attractive. If I didn’t love her so much, I’d be disgusted by her figure and natural beauty. As it is, I’m just plain old jealous.
I try to control my breathing, and pick up my phone to text Ivy and ask her to come shopping with me. I’m halfway through typing my pleading message when I remember she’s in Scotland and isn’t an option. I’ll just have to go alone. It’s probably better that way anyway. I’m terrible at shopping and always end upgetting upset when I can’t find anything suitable. It’s best if I keep other people out of it.
The rest of the day passes uneventfully, and I’m soon walking into Connor’s house, laptop under my arm. I left work not long after the children today, which is virtually unheard of for me, but I was feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated in school and had to get away before the bad thoughts took over. Unfortunately, the house is too quiet with Connor still out working the lunch shift, and the little criticising voice in my head demands my full attention in the silence.
You make everyone else’s life worse by simply existing.
I hold my head in my hands and start to sing the first song that comes into my head: ironically ‘I’m Walking on Sunshine’.
You messed up with Rhys. You mess everything up. It was all your fault.
I belt out the chorus, my eyes shut tight, in a desperate attempt to distract myself. But it’s not my voice that pulls me out of my spiral, it’s the deep, off-key one coming from the front door.
“…and don’t it feel good! Fucking love that song.” Connor’s smile drops when he notices my pale face and teary eyes. “What’s happened?”
“Nothing, I’m fine.” I turn away and hurry to the stairs, towards my room.
“Tilly?” he calls after me.
