Iwas overcome with sudden nausea at the revelation, but it was just instinct, really. I knew Matt for almost my whole life; we could read each other’s expressions without a second thought. Most girls would press for information, but there was so much at stake, and I wasn’t quite ready to give up the last potential moments of normalcy I might be able to hang on to this summer. Plus, we still had cleaning up to do.
“Come on,” I said, squeezing his hand. “Let’s put all this stuff away and go back to your house.”
Matt nodded in agreement.
We loaded the projector, screen, laptop, folding chairs, and discarded candles into the back of Matt’s pickup, and he tossed me the keys so that he could drive the wagon back up the hill and return it to the farm.
Sitting in the driver’s seat of his truck, I inhaled, letting the mixture of fabric softener, cigarette smoke, and Matt’s cologne embrace me. I closed my eyes, quietly acknowledging that nothing smelled more like home. Holding back tears, I surprised myself by wishing I had just one more dose of medication I could take, something that couldblur the fiery, painful edges of the bullet headed straight for my heart.Ironic, I thought.All this time, I just wanted to feel again.
After dropping the equipment off in Pat’s office and locking up, I drove back to the farm to meet Matt. We switched seats and he turned on the music, undoubtedly trying to drown out the endless conversations in his own mind. We entered the Gate House in silence, and as he flipped on the lights, I excused myself to use the bathroom.
I didn’t have to go, despite the nagging urge to vomit. I splashed water on my face and eyeballed myself in the mirror. The reflection looking back at me was a combination of the little girl I’d once been and the woman I was becoming. I dried off with Matt’s towel, which hung from the back of the door.
It’s time, the reflection seemed to say.
I emerged from the bathroom to find Matt in the kitchen, puttering about between the fridge and the pantry.
“You want a snack?” he asked. “We’ve got ice cream, chips—oh, I could heat up the leftover pizza from the other night.”
I shook my head. “Come sit with me,” I said, taking a seat on the living room couch.
My calm stopped him. He put the chips down on the counter and his expression shifted, serious now. He sat beside me.
I took a deep, brave breath and closed my eyes. “She’s keeping it?” I asked.
I heard Matt swallow. When I opened my eyes again, he was looking at me. He nodded weakly.
“When did you find out?”
“A little while ago. She called.”
Breathe in. Count to five.One. Two. Brace yourself.
“I don’t know what to say,” he went on.
Three. Four. This is the part where hebreaks up with you.
“I wish she would have chosen differently,” he said, shaking his head.
Five.“You can’t say that,” I replied.
“It’s the truth, though. I know it sounds awful, but it’s true.”
“But that baby is yours. You can’t wish it away.”
“It was a mistake, Taylor. All I care about is you. Us,” his voice cracked.
“I know,” I mumbled.That poor little baby. What a way to start a life, already having a father who doesn’t want you.
“But I’ve been thinking about it. I’ll do the right thing, you’ll see. I’ll get a second job, send Leyla money. It’ll be a workaround. It doesn’t have to change anything with us.”
You can’t just pretend your child doesn’t exist.
“I mean it. I’ve spent a lot of time preparing for this the past few weeks.”
“Yeah?” I asked, weakly.
“Yeah. I figure that with my schedule, I could bartend or wait tables one night a week. Whatever money I make on the side could go straight to Leyla and the baby. You could move in with me, and it wouldn’t impact us at all financially.”
