The meeting signaled the official start of layoffs, and I can feel my soul fading away.
We’re safe for now. Our positions, at least, not our department. The worst news for us is we’re getting a pay cut. I’m not delusional enough to believe I deserved the amount they gave me before, but taking it back after the fact? Fuck that shit. My hours won’t change, my responsibilities will grow, all while I’m making less than beforeandI have to fire people.
Mom has another week before she goes back to take her next shift with Grandma. I miss both of them and wish I could see them before the New Year, Tét, but that is the only time we all get together. With May’s birthday at the end of January and mine in mid-February, we celebrate everything at once, enjoying the family time we get in the week that follows. Before Mom leaves, May and I go with her to my eldest auntie’s house for a visit, listening to her and Mom bicker while May tries to do the same with me.
“You’re breathing a lot right now,” she says.The fuck does that even mean?
“Oh, my bad, let me go suffocate real quick.”
“Appreciate it.”
We’re sitting next to each other at the table, May taking full advantage of the nail art supplies our auntie brought back fromHo Chi Minh City. The acidic smell mixed with the food Auntie is cooking on the stove reminds me of the night markets. Bri would love it there—a street full of food, happy crowds, and ways for me to pamper her.
May hasn’t asked me for money yet, which means the restaurant must be doing well this month. I don’t want to think about the passive-aggressive, unspoken argument that will happen when I have to tell them I won’t have enough extra income to cover their slow months anymore.
“I don’t remember you being this . . . clingy.” May snaps me out of my thoughts.
I didn’t realize my arm was draped over the back of her chair and I was leaning against her. Bri made me realize physical touch helps calm me when I’m uncomfortable.
“You’re different now that you’ve lost your virginity.”
“Can you not say that so loud?” I scold her.
“Chill. Mom already knows. I swear she’s praying you and Bri have an accident just so she can get a grandkid.”
That hits me in the gut, and even May doesn’t know why. “Mom told me the same, flat out, and it’s a little fucked.”
“Why?”
“Bri doesn’t want to have kids.”
“And what doyouwant?”
“Bri.”
“. . . to have your kids?”
May means nothing by it. All the awfulness that comes with “accidents” is what bonded me with Natalie and sealed my fate with her as well. Had I accepted Natalie didn’t feel as bonded as I felt, I wouldn’t have lost her. And had I not lost her, I wouldn’t have met Bri. That doesn’t erase the emotional damage the catalyst of that series of events caused, however.
“I want Bri exactly the way Bri is.”
May sneers. “You’re so annoying.”
“What did I do now?”
“Bri even said it—that you never say whatyouwant up-front, she always sets you up to let it slip.”
I flinch. “She said that?”
“Yep. It’s a good trick.”
Our movie in the park. She thinks getting me to plan my perfect day was the slip, when the real slip was that I had been wanting to kiss her for weeks. Either way, she got it out of me.
“She picked up on you and Dad too,” May adds.
“What do you mean?”
“That you basically hate him but won’t ever say it.”
