I hear what Mom says next, but I’m not really listening. Numbness sets in. Denial, likely, though it feels familiar. When Grandma first left us to go back to Vietnam to be with her sister, we knew she wanted to pass over at home, the way her sister eventually did. But that was four years ago. I started to believe my mom was making it all up, that shewould live to be one hundred and ten, saying the same thing she did every year during Tét.This is my last one.
“She might make it to New Year, but the doctor doesn’t seem confident in that. If you want to, I can set up a video call or something with you and your sister.”
“No, I . . .” My instinct is to go to her. To be there. But can I really leave in the middle of everything? “Let me think and talk to May.”
“Okay. Call me when you decide.”
My heart is still pounding when I end the call with Mom.What do I do? What do I tell Bri?I’ve felt shredded since the last time I saw her, losing piece after piece the longer I had to wait to find time to be with her again, and now I have an impossible choice. I know what she will tell me to do, but I still need to hear her say it. I need her to take my anxiety away and remind me I can always look forward to seeing her again, even if it’s from afar.
“What’s wrong?” Bri asks with fear. Of course she can read it on my face in a second flat. The crease between her brows deepens. “Oh no. Is it your grandma?”
“Yeah. Mom said the doctors don’t think she has much time left.”
“How much time?”
“Maybe a week? Maybe a month? They’re not sure, but my mom is convinced it won’t be much longer.”
“Go see her.”
“I want to, but I just used all my vacation time. And May . . .”
“Go. Call Sai, ask if you can use sick days or take it unpaid.” She holds my face in her hands and makes me look her in the eyes. “Trust me, Liem. You will look back and be so thankful you had that time with her. I’m around, and I don’t plan on going anywhere. Get your sister and go be with her.” She can’t hide the tears in her eyes, and I can’t fight the tears her sorrow brings to mine.
“Okay.” We both wipe our cheeks. “I’m sorry all this is happeningon your birthday weekend, I really wanted—”
“It’s just a day,” she says.
~
Sai wasn’t thrilled, but he understood. He has a big family, and they are as important to him as mine is to me—most of mine, at least.
“May is going to meet me at the gate,” I say to Bri. She was kind enough to drive me, though she’s going to the hospital right after to be with Keisha again. Most of the available flights to Vietnam left from LAX, so it worked out for May to come here and for us to fly the rest of the way together. Dad probably isn’t happy that he has to run the restaurant by himself, but what is he going to do about it? He lost the right to tell us we can’t leave.
We pull up to the curb, and I feel sick. Leaving Bri, my place of peace, I’m worried I’ll crumble under the emotions without her beside me.
“I’m sorry you have to go through this, babe,” she says. “Losing someone we love is the hardest yet most guaranteed part of life.”
I hate that this reminder of her loss is happening at a time when she should focused on living her new chapter. Though I doubt it ever really leaves her. “You’re right. Like always.”
“Tell your grandma I said hi.”
“I will.”
“Be good, babe.”
“You first.”
With a sad smile, she waves goodbye. After the car disappears from my view, I whisper, “I love you so fucking much.”
Thirty-six
Bri
Liem is halfway around the world, and I’m in hell. Worrying about him, wanting to talk to him when it’s the middle of the night, knowing I need to give him space to be with family and feel what he needs to feel while going through one of the worst parts of life.
I’m so glad I had that time with my momma. It was painful—excruciatingly so—but had I missed getting to see her be at peace before the end, hearing her tell me I would be okay without her, lingering in the calm before the storm of her final moments . . . I’m not sure if I would’ve been able to forgive myself for missing it.
Missing Liem feels selfish, but I can’t deny how much he means to me. We crashed together, couldn’t escape each other’s pull, even when everything since has tried to keep us apart. I can’t tell whether the universe wants us together or if I’ve been placing too much importance on coincidence. So, I will focus on putting myself in the best place possible to be there for him when he comes back, ready to care for him after his world changes.
