She leaves, but my mind is still reeling. After completing my nightly routine and dipping beneath the covers of my bed, the Julian fantasy comes roaring back—only now, in the dark, it returns in vivid, illicit detail. His hands on my bare skin. His eyes raking over me. All night, it won’t leave me alone. It builds and builds until the ache between my legs becomes unbearable. Around three in the morning, I finally say fuck it and pull out my vibrator.
Never in my life have I felt so out of control, but before Julian I’venever spent so much time with someone I was sexually attracted to. It’s only once I’m on the precipice of release that the reality of what I’m doing washes over me and I shut off the device.What the hell am I doing?!I’ll never be able to look Julian in the eye again if I orgasm to fantasies of him. It’s bad enough I already let it slip that I’m physically attracted to him.
I squeeze my thighs together, as if that’ll do anything to quell the sexual frustration. It’s pathetic how much I want an orgasm right now, but I can’t risk it. I won’t. Even if it kills me.
And this stupid crush I have on Julian just might.
19
Julian
Pathetic.
Her hand on Nathaniel’s arm. The smooth, casual way it slid down to his hand and squeezed. Jealousy is like a vise wrapped around my neck, choking my airway. It’s all I see when I close my eyes. Even when I open them to my dark, empty bedroom. A groan rattles my chest as I toss and turn, chasing sleep. I’m beyond pathetic. The friend zone would be preferable to this. Why the hell did I think it’d be a good idea to help the woman I’m half in love with date someone else?
The next morning, Andrew is yawning over a pot of coffee when I emerge from my bedroom, his hair sticking up as he raises a mug to his mouth. He nods in greeting as I pass by him for a mug of my own, though I’m wide awake despite staying up far too late spiraling in my own thoughts.
“How did you know when you fell in love with Kayla?”
“Dude, it’s nine in themorning,” he grumbles, then takes another sip of his coffee and straightens his shoulders as he stares at me head-on. “Okay, back up. Didn’t you crash your girl’s date last night? What happened?”
“She’s not my girl. That’s sort of the whole issue I’m having.” Iturn my back on him and steal his hazelnut creamer from the fridge. “Why the hell do I listen to you? I hated seeing her on a date with someone else.” It was a visceral feeling in my gut, like someone had stabbed a hook through my stomach andyanked. I was in over my head with this woman before, but now I’m so far gone I have no hope of ever finding myself again.
“I warned you it was a stupid idea,” he reminds me. “Did she say it was a good date?” When I nod, he lets out a sigh. “Dude.I’m so sorry, man.”
“I don’t know what to do here,” I tell him. “I think I’m falling in love with her, and I’m actively helping her find someone else to fall in love with. How fucked up is that?”
“Well, I can honestly say no one I’ve ever met has been that stupid,” Andrew says. “You really think you’re in love with this girl?”
“It’s hard to know if I’m all the way there yet, especially when those feelings aren’t reciprocated, but I have this feeling.”
When I came out to my mom, after my father made it clear he wouldn’t accept having a queer son, she said she couldn’t wait for the day I fell in love. That the fight would be worth it to find the person who looks at me and sees the sun. And then Leticia had to go and call me sunshine boy. Only, she’s not in love with me. I’m the one with feelings that are completely out of my control here.
And yet…
No one in my life would describe my personality as sunshiny. No one but Leti. She hasn’t seen the miserable side Andrew and Angela have seen. Sure, I’m more myself after surviving the shitstorm that was coming out to my family. I’m no longer working myself to death with the punishing schedule of juggling school and work. My parents are separated and my mom is happier than ever with someone new.
It makes sense that I wouldn’t be in that place anymore, but Ican’t deny the truth—that in the short time we’ve been reacquainted, Leti’s brought out a side of me I can’t remember ever having.
“Dick feelings?” Andrew interrupts my thoughts, and I roll my eyes at him. “What? It’s a valid question.”
“Don’t be gross,” I tell him. “Yes, I’m sexually attracted to her, but it’s more than that. She puts up all these walls, and for every one I knock down, we get a little bit closer, but never as close as I want to be. If she gave me enough time, I feel like I could break through. All I want to do is prove to her that I’m the one she should be with, but fuck, I don’t know. Maybe I’m going about this the wrong way.”
“That’s a lot to feel about someone who’s giving you nothing back,” he says. “Unless…maybe she is? Giving you something back, whether she intends it that way or not?”
“What do you mean?”
“How often are you guys talking?”
“Practically every day,” I tell him. We’ve spent every lunch hour together this week, and even when we get home, we spend most of the night texting on and off.
“How flirty is she?”
Leti?Flirty?It’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard. She’s all snark and death glares and I wouldn’t have it any other way. “How am I supposed to know that?”
“How are you supposed to…Okay.” His sigh is bone weary, which is rather dramatic if you ask me. It wasn’t too long ago when he was as hopeless as I am. “How touchy-feely have you guys been?”
“I don’t feel comfortable answering that.” Not only because he’s Leti’s brother, but also because if I let myself think about the ways we’ve touched so far, no matter how innocent, I’ll need to…ahem,adjustmyself.
