“No wonder I never see him around,” she says. “Hell, I see you around here more than I see him.”
“I think that’s just the universe getting its kicks in.”
A laugh lights up her face for the first time, and my god, the sound does something strange to my nervous system. “You might be on to something there.”
“So, what’s the deal with you and your brother?” That smile that lit up her face a second ago? Yeah, it’s immediately replaced with a scowl as soon as the question is out of my mouth.
“I don’t know you well enough for that conversation.”
And then she steps inside her apartment and slams the door in my face.
9
Leti
I?’m desperate to be wrong—to shake myself out of this dating rut before it begins. Which is why I dressed to kill on Friday night in a pair of fitted black jeans and a red lace crop top that shows more skin than I’m normally comfortable with. I need to shake things up a bit. This time, I matched with a gorgeous girl who works in finance and has the most arresting green eyes I’ve ever seen. Then again, it could just be good lighting. Or Photoshop.
But I don’t care. It’s what’s on the inside that counts, right?
Twenty minutes later, I arrive outside the Italian restaurant we agreed to meet at. Erica Fuller is standing by the door, and she looks like her profile picture. We’re off to a fantastic start already.
“Hi, Leti.” She pulls me into her arms for a hug. “So nice to meet you.”
“You too.” I duck my head shyly. She opens the door for me, and I step inside the restaurant. A host leads us to a table right away.
We hit it off immediately. The way we fall into conversation is like we’ve been doing this for years. We spend the next twenty minutes talking about the recent movies we’ve seen. When she excuses herself to go to the restroom, I finally let myself smile the giddiest, dorkiest smile and do a little shimmy in my seat. It isn’tuntil I look up that I spot Julian, seated a mere table away. His eyes are already locked on me.
Instantly, I freeze. He tilts his head, as if he can’t quite believe it either. His eyes narrow ever so slightly, mouth agape. Then, as if this moment couldn’t get any more awkward, he asks, “Are you on adate?”
“So what if I am?” I pick up the menu and feign perusing the entrées. I already know what I’m ordering, but he doesn’t have to know that. “That’s allowed.”
“Never said it wasn’t.” I sneak a glance at him above the laminated menu. He’s the only person seated, table clear except for a single place setting directly in front of him.
“Are you here alone?” I don’t know why I’m asking. It’s not as if I care.
“Yep.” He sits back in his chair, arms crossing behind his head. I ignore the way his lean arm muscles bulge from the strain. “That’s allowed too.”
Before I can think of a reply, Erica returns to the table. “All right, where were we?”
We pick up the conversation right where we left off, smoothly transitioning from one topic to another until somehow we’ve stumbled onto the subject of last relationships. A bead of sweat forms on my forehead when she asks me why I’m still single, and then why my last relationship ended. I shrug and give a nonanswer.
“Um, we weren’t a good fit, I guess.” Dating is hard enough without figuring out your sexuality at the same time. I knew that I liked Steven. No one had ever asked me out first, and I liked that he took the initiative. Before him, I’d felt invisible when it came to romantic prospects. I liked holding hands while walking to class and how he’d put his arm around my shoulders and pull me into him when we watched movies at his dorm.
It was clear he wanted a physical relationship, and I could neverquite figure out how to want what he wanted. People in college were having sex all the time, or at least it seemed that way back then. He didn’t mean to pressure me, but despite him saying on multiple occasions that we could wait until I was ready, I put that pressure on my shoulders just the same.
There wasn’t anything easily explainable that was preventing me from having sex with him. Sure, I didn’t like his need to not put a label on our relationship or that he acted super weird the one time I picked up his phone while he was in the bathroom when his mom called. We’d often get into arguments about his level of commitment, but that’s not what was holding me back from sleeping with him.
I’d later learn that despite being romantically attracted to Steven, I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. While I had a sex drive, what I lacked was a drive to have sex withhimspecifically, which wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t mine either. On top of being a virgin who had no idea what to expect when it came to sex outside of what I’d seen in movies or read in romance books, I had no idea what the ace spectrum was, let alone where I fell on it.
Four years later, I know a lot more about myself than I did back then. I’m still a virgin, but I’ve decided that I don’t necessarily need to be sexually attracted to a partner to have sex if it’s important to them and we’ve built a foundation of trust and open communication. There might be an adjustment period, but as long as I have a partner who’s willing to adjust with me, we should be fine.
“Sorry, I know that doesn’t tell you much,” I say when Erica doesn’t respond. “I guess you could say we had communication problems? Eventually, we imploded and I took some time to figure things out before dating again.”
“Oh, wow.” She leans forward in interest. “So is this your first date after him?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I went on one really bad date directly after him before swearing off dating for…um, a few years.” Behind her, Julian’s silverware clatters to the floor. He pushes his chair back, and then his head disappears from view under the table. “I was on another date last weekend too. So, no pressure.” I try to laugh, but it comes out more as a wheeze. I leave out that both dates were with the same guy and that that very man is seated right behind her.
“Well, you’re still putting yourself out there after all that, which is admirable,” she says, smiling. “Dating can be the worst.”
