A hollow ache built behind my ribcage. Isamu never talked about it, but it was no secret that he and Noriko had split up because she wanted kids and he didn’t.
‘Part of him will always love her,’ Okasan said. ‘But in the end, he had to make a choice: between breaking his own heart once, very hard, or letting it be broken slowly, little by little, day by day.’
Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes.
‘Maybe that’s a choice you won’t have to make,’ she said. ‘Maybe this person will love you back the way you deserve – and you deserve to be loved, Sato. You deserve someone who will love you, who will respect you, and who will take you very, very seriously.’
I swallowed, hard.
‘But if you do have to make that choice,’ she said, smoothing her hand over my hair, ‘just know that it will hurt, but like your brother, you will survive it.’
Chapter ElevenFiona
Tasting today: 2L ‘Fruity White’ cask, South-Eastern Australia.
Absolutely not worth drinking. Love yourself: pour it down the drain and find something better.
‘No, Matt,’ I said exhaustedly, standing in front of the meat section in the supermarket and trying to do the maths on cost-effectiveness versus quality. ‘I told you.’
‘I can’t believe you’re being like thison Christmas.’ Matt’s voice was whiny, irritatingly reminiscent of the girls when they were overtired. ‘Is it really that much to ask? The divorce is final on the twenty-seventh anyway. I’m talking about you letting me see them two days early. Two days!’
‘You heard their therapist.’ I reached my hand towards a pack of pork loin steaks, then pulled it back. Elias was kicking extra money into my budget, but he also ate a lot more than me or the kids. ‘No matter how keen you are to make things up to them, and no matter how well prepared they are, seeing you again will be traumatic, and I don’t want to ruin their Christmas.’
‘I’m theirfather.’
I put two packs of sausages that were on special into my trolley. ‘If you want to set up a video call with them after thetwenty-seventh, text me some times that will work. Before that, though, it’s not happening.’
I hung up before he could make my head hurt worse than it already did. ‘It’s the countdown to Christmas!’ the shop radio blared chirpily as I pushed my trolley towards the dairy section, at a volume loud enough I could feel it inside my skull. ‘We’ve got holiday specials for you and your family!’
Countdownwas right. It felt like there were several different ticking clocks hanging over me, each ticking slightly out of time, a ceaseless uneven rhythm that had me permanently on edge.
Some of them had clear endpoints – like 27 December, circled in ominous red in my mental calendar, the day after which I could no longer keep Matt from the kids, no matter how desperately I wanted to.
Some of them were less clear but still predictable. I was one hundred per cent sure that sometime in the next twenty-four hours, I would get yet another email from Laura to add to the five I hadn’t answered, telling me thatof courseshe understood why I was being like this but Matt missed the kidssomuch and Christmas was all about family so couldn’t I please please pleasestop being such a selfish bitchbe the bigger person and rise above it for the sake of the children?
And then there were the ones with no set endpoint, the ones that made my heart race and sweat break out on my brow even as my stomach felt like it was filled with cement. When I would be alone with Satoshi again? And would I be strong enough this time to do what I needed to?
I’d seen him a few times since the night he’d delivered the wine, but only in passing while I and some assortment of family members were in Tsundoku. His hand had brushed mine when I’d finally brought Lex in for the promised hot chocolate, and I’d nearly combusted on the spot. I’d thought about it later that night, buriedunder about seventeen layers of blankets despite the summer heat so that the kids or Elias wouldn’t hear the vibrator through the wall, and for a few blissful moments, all the ticking clocks were silent. My mind jumped ahead a year, three years, five years…
But then, the next time I’d gone in, Elias and the kids in tow, Satoshi had been deep in conversation with Kieran. His eyes only flickered to me for an instant as we entered – a brief, polite smile passing over his face – before something Kieran said stole his attention back.
Lex had caught me watching as they kissed each other goodbye on both cheeks, Kieran’s biceps rippling as he picked up the case of sparkling wine Satoshi had packed for him. ‘Are you all right, Mum?’
‘Fine!’ I’d replied, as breezily possible. ‘Just zoned out for a sec there.’
Lex nodded, seemingly mollified, and inwardly, I’d breathed a sigh of relief that at least one ticking clock seemed to have petered out. Michelle, to my great surprise, seemed to have stuck to her word and not told anyone about finding me and Satoshi beside the bins – or at least, had managed to keep it from circulating to the kids.Fiona’s children have been through enough,she’d probably whispered to half the P&F Association.They don’t need to find out their mother is going through a second adolescence.
The relief was short-lived, though. Elias had insisted on paying, and when we got home, I remembered that once again, I’d forgotten to pay for the keg. I wanted Satoshi so badly – more than I would allow myself to admit, even when I was buried under all those piles of blankets with my vibrator – but I couldn’t even manage to repay this one simple debt. Even if Sadie was right – even if there was a world where I could have him – I would never,everdeserve him.
On Christmas morning, Sadie and Jonah arrived on my doorstep early, but the kids had been up since dawn. ‘Uncle Jonah, Auntie Sadie, look!’ Georgia yelled. ‘Santa came!’
‘I can see that!’ Jonah was so weighed down with bags of groceries he was half hunched over. ‘You must have been very good this year. Hi, Fi.’
He kissed me on the cheek. ‘I’m going to go to the kitchen and get started. Lots to do.’
‘Sure. Do you need any—
I was drowned out by a shriek from Rosie. ‘Is that a puppy?’
