Georgia wrapped her arms around his neck. His hands came to rest on her shoulder blades as he hugged her back, eyes closing, and a light-headedness came over me, like my blood had suddenly turned very thin.
It took me a while to get Georgia back to bed, stroking her hair as she fell asleep. By the time I emerged, everyone else was most of the way through another bottle of riesling. ‘I saved some for you,’ Satoshi said, pouring the remainder of it into my glass.
Of course he had. ‘Thank you,’ was all I could reply before I turned away, so he didn’t see how much that simple gesture made my heart ache.
He left soon afterwards. ‘I really do have to get back,’ he said, as my brothers – and Lex, who had emerged from their room when they realised he was here – urged him to stay for another glass. ‘I’ve got a lot of study to do – and anyway, I’m driving.’
‘Mum’s going to bring me for hot chocolate soon,’ Lex said. ‘Aren’t you, Mum?’
‘Of course.’ I dug my nails hard into my palm.
Satoshi bumped Lex’s proffered knuckles. ‘Looking forward to it, pal. See you soon.’
Then he turned to me. ‘Thank you for welcoming me into your home, Fiona. It’s beautiful.’
I dug my nails in harder and steeled myself. Time to be strong. ‘You’re welcome. I’ll walk you out.’
Outside, crickets were singing in the summer night. It was warm, but I folded my arms around myself anyway, trying to findthe right words.Thank you so much for putting me back together, Satoshi, but I think it’s better… I think it’s best… For the sake of everyone, we should—
‘Can I ask you something?’ Satoshi said abruptly.
My heart sped up, an uneven drum beat in my chest. ‘Sure.’
‘Was it really that embarrassing?’
I blinked.
‘The other night.’ He paused beside his car, running his hand through his hair. ‘When you messaged me, you said it was mortifying, and I was just wondering… was it really so bad for you, getting caught with me?’
‘Oh! Oh god, Satoshi, no!’
Something between horror and panic ran through me. He was always so careful with me, and the thought of him believing he’d hurt me made me want to throw up. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong,’ I said. ‘Not a single thing. You’re perfect – and I’m fine, I promise.’
Even though I knew I shouldn’t, that I was just making things harder for myself, I reached out and took his hand, kissing his knuckles then pressing my cheek to them. ‘It’s just – people talk, you know? And no one talks more than parents – you wouldn’tbelievehow much they gossip – and then what they say gets filtered down to the kids. I can’t tell you how many times the girls have come home from school with questions like “Mummy, what’s a mistress?”, “Mummy, what’s a lovechild?”. With Michelle – I could practically hear “Mummy, what’s a toyboy?”, and the thought of having toexplainthat…’
I let out a long breath. ‘It’s just… a lot. As usual, right?’
Satoshi didn’t say anything.
‘Besides,’ I added, trying to sound as jokey as possible, even as my heart pounded even harder, ‘I’m sure it wasn’t on your bucket list to get caught kissing one of the mums at a school barbecue. Aren’t you always telling me you have an image to maintain?’
‘Fiona,’ he said quietly, ‘I’d kiss you in front of the entire world if you wanted me to.’
… oh.
I had to let this man go. I knew that. The longer I put it off – the more I let myself lean into him – the more difficult it would be. If I was sensible – if I was smart – I would do it right this second.
‘Will you kiss me now?’ I asked.
Satoshi blinked. ‘Here?’
I glanced over at the house. I doubted anyone would be peering out the front window at us, but I didn’t want to risk it. ‘In here.’ I opened the back door to his car, shepherding him in.
Inside, I draped myself over his lap, a knee on either side of his legs on the back seat. ‘No one,’ I said, kissing his lips, ‘has ever been as lovely to me as you, Satoshi. You’re so kind—’ I kissed his cheek ‘—and so patient—’ now the corner of his jaw ‘—and I’m so, so lucky to have you in my life.’
I kissed behind his ear, but either I hadn’t found the right spot or it didn’t feel to him the way it did to me, because he was stiff and still beneath me. ‘Are you all right?’ I asked. ‘Did I do something wrong?’
‘No.’ He smoothed a hand over my hair. ‘I just…’
