‘Oh.’ It was one syllable, but disappointment was written large all over it. ‘Okay.’
Guilt swept through me. ‘Soon, though. I promise.’
Lex nodded, but they started fiddling with their non-binary flag pin, and the guilt intensified into nausea. Satoshi was so, so important to them. Would a good mother really be as reckless as I had? Risk what I was risking, just for the sake of – what? My own selfish feelings?
Would Michelle? WouldLaura?
Later that night, sitting in bed, I finally forced myself to text him.Satoshi, I owe you a huge apology for what happened at the barbecue. I’m so sorry.
He didn’t reply.
Which I wasnotgoing to take personally. Apart from the panickedLet’s raincheck Thursdaytext I’d sent him straight after the Michelle incident, it had taken me days to reach out. I hardly deserved an immediate reply. Besides, it was before close, so he’dstill be working – and it was Saturday night, so the bar was probably packed.
… oh no. I’d announced to everyone at the barbecue where he worked. What if he’d been inundated with a flood of gawking school parents? What if they were there right now, laughing and making suggestive little comments about how he was helping me get my groove back?
A HUGE apology,I texted.I know it was absolutely mortifying.
No response.
Shit. What if he’d blocked me? What if this had been a tipping point and he’d finally decidedenough? What would I tell Lex? What would I—
My phone buzzed. I snatched at it so violently I nearly fell out of bed.
You don’t owe me anything, Fiona,Satoshi had sent.
I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth, head falling to my knees as I tried my best not to literally cry with relief.
How did he always react like this? Every time I dumped my bullshit on him and ran away, how, how,howdid he always just make everything fine again?
I at least owe you for the keg!I sent back.I’ll pay for it. I promise.
He didn’t reply, and I could practically see him, glancing at his phone, raising his eyebrows, and putting it back into his pocket.Oh no you won’t,he might as well have said, an assertion that was also a prophecy.
The relief started to ebb away, and I hugged my knees tight to my chest as a new kind of guilt started to take its place.
The thing that had always drawn me to Satoshi, even before Matt had left, was his unfailing kindness. It was so reliable you could set your watch by it: the sky was blue, the grass was green, Satoshi was kind. He was the type of person who would give Lex the pin off his own waistcoat, who would make sure the girls feltlike princesses in a fancy restaurant, who would flatter my ego by saying he needed my help with his tasting notes even when he clearly didn’t.Oh, you don’t owe me anything!he’d say,I’m getting as much out of this as you are,as he gave and gave and gave, and I took, took, took.
He was a rock. He was a lighthouse. I broke over him like the sea, again and again, and he was still there anyway.
Maybe this time it really was okay. But how much more could I ask of him before he saidenough? There had to be a limit – everyone had a limit – and what kind of person would I be if I pushed him to it?
Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes again. I owed Satoshi far more – and far better – than just the price of a keg.
Elias’s flight was getting in on Thursday evening – which was convenient, because I was a coward.I’m so sorry, but I have to raincheck again,I texted Satoshi.My brother’s arriving from Germany. Sorry for being such a terrible study buddy x
No problem,he texted back.I have to raincheck too anyway – covering for Birdie tonight.
Hope you’re not working too hard!! I’ll promise I’ll come and pay for the keg soon.
And I would. I would find my resolve, and I would look him in the eye, and I would discharge my debts. I was going to be a good parent and set an example for my children. No relying on anyone, for anything.
Elias was staying at my place, but as his arrival time coincided directly with the kids’ dinnertime, Jonah and Sadie had borrowed my car to pick him up from the airport. ‘I can’twait,’ Rosie enthused as I scooped ice cream into their bowls for dessert. ‘It was so fun last time Uncle Elias was here.’
I forced the guilty memory of those weeks down. It had been January, only a few months after Matt had left, and I’d been holding on by a thread. The first time Elias had taken the kids out and I’d had the house to myself, I’d burst into tears with relief at the quiet.
‘Remember, we have lots of time to have fun with Uncle Elias,’ I said, trying and failing not to let the thoughtLaura would neverenter my mind. ‘You can stay up to say hello, and then it’s bedtime, okay? He’s going to be tired too, and—’
Headlights flashed briefly through the window. ‘He’s here!’ Georgia shrieked, knocking her ice cream bowl off the table.
