Fiona took a step away from me, hurriedly tucking the front of her blouse back into her jeans. ‘I’m so sorry, Satoshi – about all of this – but – Lex – I have to—’
‘Go,’ I said, even though there was a dark, yawning chasm in the pit of my stomach. ‘It’s all right.’
She went. Unlike Michelle, she did not look back, and I stood there beside the bins, in the still of the night, for a long time.
I was – or, at least, should be – smart enough not to take phrases likehot little toyboyseriously. Who would take one single thing this condescending woman had said seriously?
But I couldn’t stop seeing Fiona’s face: at first scarlet, and then milk-pale with mortification.
I didn’t give a shit that she was older than me. But for her, age was clearly not just a number. WasI can explainsomething she would have said if she’d been caught with someone her own age?
I took off my glasses – my stupid, childish, lime-green glasses – and put my palm over my eyes, as if it could block out the awful, inexorable truth of what had just happened. Of what had already happened when Sadie caught us at the restaurant, even though I’d shoved it deep down and refused to acknowledge it.
Is it okay if we don’t tell anyone?she’d asked me that day we’d decided to go slow, and I’d blithely agreed, because I would have agreed to anything if it meant I got to have her.
Fiona might like me. She might value me. She might enjoy our Thursday nights together, and she might even trust me.
But the idea that people might think we were actuallytogetherwas something she found deeply, profoundly embarrassing.
Chapter NineFiona
Tasting today: 2024 riesling, Tasmania, Australia.
This wine is dangerous. With intense fruit flavours and thrillingly racy acidity, it’s difficult to stop yourself having another glass, and another, and another…
Satoshi, I’m so sorry about what happened at the barbecue,I typed into my phone, sitting on the sidelines on Saturday morning at the girls’ indoor soccer game.I’m sorry I ran away and left you standing there. I’m sorry Michelle spoke about you like that. I’m sorry I rainchecked Thursday night instead of apologising to you in person, it’s just…
I let out a long breath and deleted the message.So I have a long list of things I need to apologise for, I tried again.
A cheer went up as the ball thudded into the back of the net. ‘Mummy, did you see my goal?’ Rosie yelled.
‘Yes, Rosie-girl!’ I called back. ‘Well done!’
I could feel, rather than see, some of the other parents looking knowingly at each other.The worst mother in the world strikes again. Look at her, lying to her own daughter.
I put my phone away, wrapped my hands around my keep cup of coffee and tried to focus my attention on the game. The kidsblurred before my eyes, though, a mess of neon orange and green and white.
I wasn’t a bad mother. Iwasn’t. My kids were safe. My kids were loved. Lex was definitely mature enough to stand alone for ten minutes in the middle of a well-lit space with dozens of adults around, and I was allowed to have a – a – to move on from Matt. I should be smarter than to let Michelle’s bitchy little comments get into my head.
Maybe, in another world, when I didn’t have that email from Laura sitting in my inbox oh-so-innocently implying that a better mother would simply set all her own feelings aside for the sake of the children, I would have been smarter. But I lived in this one, and – as I was so often reminded – I’d never exactly been renowned for my intelligence anyway.
After the game, I took the girls shopping for art supplies so they could make a welcome sign for Elias, who was due to arrive next week. They were both exhausted and hangry – I’d foolishly decided we could run this errand before I fed them lunch – and so, of course, we ran into one of the other Year 6 mums. ‘You really saved the day at the barbecue, Fiona,’ she said, effortlessly juggling her toddler and several pieces of cardboard. ‘Thank goodness you have an in with that lovely barman!’
I didn’t need a PhD to be able to read the subtext.So Michelle told everyone you’re fucking that hot young bartender you dragged along? I hope you don’t have a drinking problem along with that midlife crisis you’re having, sweetie.
‘Thank goodness,’ I echoed.
‘No!’ Georgia howled. ‘Green isn’t elegant, Rosie! Silver is elegant! You don’t knowanything!’
The other mother gave me a knowing smile, and I could feel my face start to turn red as I did my best to de-escalate.Just ran into Fiona,was going to end up in some WhatsApp chat I wasn’tin within the next five minutes.She can barely control those twins of hers, poor thing.
Honestly, I’m worried about her kids,someone – probably Michelle – would say.Fiona’s obviously a mess at the moment. I hate to say this, but maybe things would be better if she didn’t have sole custody.
I was dimly aware, as I finally managed to get the girls out of the shop, that my imagination was getting the better of me, but knowing it didn’t make it stop. My therapist was going to be so mad at me.
‘Mum,’ Lex asked me, when I picked them up from Jonah and Sadie’s, ‘can we go to Tsundoku later? Satoshi told me he’d give me a free hot chocolate for winning the Quiet Achiever award.’
‘Not today, sweetheart. Your sisters are going to have a meltdown if I drag them anywhere else.’
