The way he’dlookedat me.
‘You did the right thing.’
The way Isamu had looked at me, like I’d driven a knife right through his brother’s heart.
‘You did theright thing.’
The stabbing pain in my own heart, the breath that would not come no matter how hard I tried.
‘Fiona?’
I straightened, digging my fingernails into the palm of my hand. ‘Just getting some air, Mum,’ I forced out. ‘I’ll be back in in a minute.’
‘You missed your best man speech.’
Fuck. ‘I – uh—’
‘Have been crying?’ My mother laid a hand on my back. ‘I’m so sorry for what your father said, honey.’
I barely remembered it now. There’d been Elias’s announcement – I vaguely recalled a sickening realisation that he’d almost certainly given up academia so he could help out with the kids, another brother making a huge sacrifice on my behalf – and then my dad, unable to resist pitting his children against each other, had taken some potshot at me in his toast, one that had tipped me over the edge and sent me fleeing, but it had all blended together, a background blur of guilt and humiliation.
Satoshi, though, was in sharp focus.
I love you.He’d sounded so desperate.Iloveyou.
‘I’m sorry that I didn’t stand up to him.’ Mum rubbed her hand comfortingly between my shoulder blades. ‘I should have, but – well, I’ve never been very good at that.’
She nudged me. ‘Not like you.’
I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth.
‘I hope you know how proud I am of you, honey.’
‘Thanks, Mum,’ I said hollowly.
‘I mean it.’ She hesitated. ‘I know what it’s like, to be married to a – a big man. Someone who takes up a lot of space, who makes you feel like you have to shrink yourself, to mould yourself around him, to fit only in the gaps he leaves you. And even though that’s not always pleasant, I… well, I can only imagine what it feels like not to have it anymore.’
I did the right thing.I did the right thing. I could not do to Satoshi what Matt had done to me. I would not force him into a box that was too small for him, when he deserved everything he wanted.
It would have only hurt more the longer I left it – but, oh god, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt.
Mum put her arm around me. ‘It must have taken incredible strength, Fiona,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m so, so proud of you.’
I nodded. If I tried to say anything, I was going to scream, or cry, or throw up, or all three, all at the same time.
We stood there in silence for a long moment, the chorus of the crickets and the muffled merriment from inside the only sounds. When Mum spoke again, her tone was conversational. ‘I thought your article about this place was brilliant, by the way.’
I startled. ‘What – how did you…?’
‘Imagine my surprise when I googled the place my son was getting married and the second result was an article by my daughter.’ Mum nudged me again. ‘Fiona Fisher, New Viniferous Voices winner.I wish you’d told me. I would have put it on myFacebook. And I will, when I get home. Every new piece you put out, I’m going to make sure everyone I know reads it.’
‘That’s okay. You don’t—’
‘Everyone. Including your father. And if he doesn’t tell you he’s proud of you, then he can start sleeping in his office. Because it’s a beautiful piece, Fiona. There’s so much love in it and – oh, honey, don’t cry.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I wiped my face with the back of my hand. ‘I – um – it’s just – that’s really nice, Mum, and – sorry.’
‘Sit down.’ Mum pushed me gently in the direction of a large rock near the front door. ‘I’ll go and get you some water.’
