I wanted to go to her.I’ve got you,I would say, and maybe she would believe me.I swear, I promise, whatever you need, I’ve got you. It’s only you, forever.
But instead, I just watched her. Jonah let her go, and she walked away, over towards the table where Sadie and Chess and the kids were, and Jonah came up to the bar.
There was a buzzing in my ears, like static from an old television. ‘Congratulations, Jonah,’ I said. ‘Can I get you a drink?’
‘Please. For the table, if that’s okay.’
I uncorked another bottle of sparkling – no spray, but a pop loud enough it would have earned me a lecture from every head somm I’d ever worked under – and nodded to one of the waitstaff to help me.
‘Satoshi, tell me you’re going to sit down at some point!’ Sadie said, as the waitress set out wineglasses and I followed her with the bottle. ‘You’re supposed to be one of our guests.’
I made myself laugh. ‘What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t make sure you had the ultimate beverage experience on your wedding day? And now for the most important people—’
I presented a bottle of sparkling apple juice to the kids. I’d brought it with me in my carry-case, the best child-appropriate colour-match I could find to the blanc de blancs. ‘Does this meet your approval?’
Georgia clapped her hands. ‘Yes please!’
I poured, careful to use two hands.Please, Fiona, I can be what you need, I can be what your kids need, I can be enough.‘Satoshi,’ Rosie asked, ‘did you film us being flower girls? Like you said?’
‘I sure did.’ I finished pouring Lex’s glass, then knelt between the twins, taking my phone out. ‘Let me show you.’
Rosie’s face was serious as she watched the video I’d taken. ‘It’s a bit shaky.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’ My hands had not been properly steady all day. ‘But you know how sometimes you get so excited you can’t stay still? I couldn’t wait to see the two best flower girls in the world do their thing.’
‘And if the video’s not great, then don’t worry.’ Jonah draped his arm around Sadie’s shoulders. ‘We had a professional photographer taking photos and videos too. There’ll be lots to choose from.’
In that moment, despite the fact it was his wedding day, I could have gleefully murdered him.
‘Will you send it to Mummy anyway?’ Rosie asked.
‘Of course. I’ll do it right now.’
I texted Fiona the video. I didn’t know what to say – my brain was moving too slowly to think of anything even vaguely appropriate – so I just sent her a string of kisses with it,xxxxx, each one more desperate than the last.
‘Mummy, did you get it?’ Rosie said.
Fiona took her phone out of her clutch. I saw her see the line of kisses, saw her throat move as she swallowed. ‘Yes, I got it. I’ll send it to Daddy tomorrow, okay?’
Rosie nodded. ‘Thank you, Satoshi,’ she said seriously. ‘For trying your best.’
Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes. I really had, and it still wasn’t going to be enough. ‘You’re very welcome, Miss Rosie. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I should get back to work.’
This, at least, I knew how to do. Six twists to loosen the wire cage, thumb over the cork, bottle at a forty-five-degree angle as I rotated it to open it. A splash to wet the glass before I poured it, glass tilted to minimise the foam, never more than two-thirds full so it wouldn’t sit too long and go flat.
But then I looked over at Fiona and the wine fizzed over, so badly there was barely any left in the glass. ‘So sorry about that!’ I apologised for what felt like the millionth time, fingers slippery no matter how many times I dried them. ‘This batch of sparkling is being very temperamental.’
‘Sato, you can take a break,’ Isamu said to me quietly, as another cork popped out of a bottle too loudly. ‘Sit down for ten minutes.’
‘Later.’ If I sat down, the mist would close around me, mould creeping up my arms and up my neck and down my throat. ‘It’s time for the toasts. I need to refresh everyone’s glasses.’
‘The waitstaff can—’
I didn’t stay to hear the end of the sentence.
The face of Fiona’s brother Elias appeared on the screen as I strode around the room, clenching and unclenching my fist before each glass I poured in the hopes it would help me regain the fine motor control that was slowly deserting me. ‘My brother Jonah is not only one of the cleverest people I know, but the luckiest,’ Elias said. ‘Plenty of academics have rivals. It’s only the very luckiest who also find in them the love of their life.’
‘Oh, fuck off,’ the woman whose glass I was topping up murmured.
