Since my kids. Since those late nights when they were babies, sitting up with them, skin to skin, exhausted and terrified all at once because my heart existed outside my body now, outside my control.
I swallowed.Can’t you just imagine him with a baby in his arms?
‘So when I finally got five minutes to go to the hairdresser, I thought I might as well revert to something easier to maintain.’ Charlotte handed Satoshi an order slip, and he glanced at it before pulling a bottle of chardonnay out of the fridge. ‘Plus, I’m going to a wedding tomorrow, and I was hoping the prettiest lady there might save a dance for me if I scrubbed up nicely.’
‘I’m sure Sadie would love to dance with you.’
‘Ha, ha.’ He set a glass on the bar for Charlotte to collect. ‘Drink? What’s the vibe?’
‘Um…’
Kids,my heart was pounding.Kids, kids, kids.
‘The vibe is that my parents are here,’ I said, ‘and I need to fortify myself.’
‘How about we do an actual fortified, then? Something to cleanse your palate before you go home to face them?’
‘Sounds great.’ Dare I hope a palate cleanser could wash away what Kieran had told me?
Satoshi poured me a glass of madeira, but he’d only just started to explain why he’d chosen it when his attention was pulled elsewhere. I sipped at it – rich and golden but not too sweet, molasses cut through with citrus and sea-spray – as I watched him work, trying to slow my rapid heartbeat.
Something was off with the flow of the bar. It wasn’t wrong, exactly, but it seemed rushed, disjointed. ‘Everything all right?’ I asked, when there was finally a lull.
‘The glasswasher broke again.’ Satoshi was making spicy margaritas, hands moving even faster than normal. ‘It started leaking at the start of service.’
‘Oh no.’
‘Oh no is right. I couldn’t get anyone to work an extra shift today, so we’re understaffed, and the technician can’t come back until Monday.’ He set the margaritas on the bar. ‘How much longer can you stay?’
I checked the time on my phone. ‘Probably half an hour or so.’
‘Give me a second to finish up these last few orders and then sneak out the back with me? I can probably manage a fifteen-minute break before the dinner rush.’
It took several seconds before Satoshi could make a thin excuse to Charlotte about how he had some books for me out the back, and several more seconds before he could convince her that yes, she’d be all right watching the floor on her own for a bit, he’d be just down the hall if she needed him, but eventually, we made our way to his office. ‘Is Charlotte okay?’ I asked, as he closed the door behind us. ‘She seems a bit on edge.’
‘I let her try running the floor by herself on Tuesday. It’s normally quiet, but we had some horrible customers in and they monstered her.’ Satoshi sank into his office chair and pulled me onto his lap. ‘I’m so happy to see you. I wasn’t expecting to until tomorrow.’
Most of the time, when we managed to snatch moments like this, he’d have me pressed up against something or bent over something by now, but instead, he just wrapped his arms around me and rested his head against my shoulder. The new, shorter texture of his hair tickled against my skin, and I carded my fingers through it. ‘I’m happy to see you too.’
‘Mmmm.’ His eyes were closed. ‘That feels good.’
The wordkidswas burning in my throat, but this was clearly not the time to talk about it, not when he was obviously so tired, not when I was so deeply afraid of what he would say. I scratched at his scalp instead. ‘Like this?’
‘Mmm-hmmm.’
I traced circles around his temples. ‘How about this?’
‘So good.’ His voice was muffled in my shirt. ‘You can go harder.’
‘Like this?’
‘Mmmm. Yes.’
I let my fingers move to the back of his neck, caressing and then kneading. ‘I’m sorry you’re having such a shitty day.’
‘Not your fault – oh, yeah, there.’
‘My parents are going to be around for a week or so.’ I dug my knuckles in, trying my best to approximate what Kieran had done to me. ‘How about I get them to babysit on Sunday, and I’ll be your dish pig?’
