Sure,I’d replied,but I didn’t love him.
How do you know?
Because I know what love feels like, I’d said.I love Chess.
That was the one great unshakeable truth of my life. People would come. People would go. Mothers would die and fathers would leave and friends and boyfriends and housemates would drift in and out, but Chess was always there. It didn’t matter that all the other bonds that bound people to me were liquid, tied loosely, destined to come undone. She was my anchor. I was tied tight to her.
Then I’d said those awful, unforgiveable things.
I hadn’t just cut the thread. I’d hacked through it with a machete, frayed ends all over the floor.
No wonder no one had turned up to my wedding. No wonder the closest thing I would probably ever have to a real partnership was this fake, temporary sham with my long-term nemesis. Why would anyone want to be tied to me?
‘More coffee?’ Jonah asked.
This, now, was the only tie I had binding me to another person. This, a tie solemnised with a three-for-$12 piece of costume jewellery, consecrating fifteen years of animosity with only a thin veneer of civility over it, his desperation to help his sister drizzled on top like he’d drizzled syrup on those pancakes.
‘No.’ I stood. ‘I’m going to pack.’
Everything I owned was in a carry-on suitcase. He knew that. He’d wheeled it across the park for me yesterday.
He knew that the upstart overrated nobody he’d tied himself to was a coward and a liar.
Upstairs, sitting in the desk chair that had once been Fiona’s, I sent a stream of messages to Chess.
Chessie, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
It was the heat of the moment,
and I said things I didn’t mean.
I love you.
I’m in Watsons Bay for the rest of the day –
I’ll drop you a pin with the address.
Our flight’s at 7pm. I already emailed
you my flight details, but I’ll forward
them to you again just in case.
Please come by. I need to see you.
I love you.
None of them were answered.
And Chess didn’t come.
Elias insisted on driving us to the airport. ‘It’s not a very good wedding present, but it’s the best I could do on short notice,’ he said, kissing me on both cheeks in farewell as Jonah got our luggage out of the boot.
‘Us not having to pay cab fare is a great present,’ I said, only half paying attention. ‘There’s still a couple of weeks before that steady pay cheque kicks in.’
Elias slapped Jonah’s back in one of those aggressive hugs that men give each other where they simultaneously want to express affection and are terrified of doing so. ‘Be good, little brother.’
‘Thanks so much for coming.’
