‘And she was so upset when she left,’ Kumiko said. ‘He might have felt bad.’
‘Maybe it’s – whatshername,’ Parisa said. ‘The one that fell in the pool and fainted. He definitely felt bad about that.’
‘It better not be her,’ Lily said. We were all squished together on the couches, but she still somehow found room to lean back and spread her arms out along the top, crossing one ankle over her knee. ‘Unless she wants another dunking.’
‘Lily, don’t start,’ Dylan said.
‘What are you going to do about it?’ Lily said.
‘I’m not going to let you casually threaten people like it’s nothing,’ Dylan said. ‘It’s not okay.’
Lily smirked. ‘All right, hero.’
Dylan flinched. I wanted to reach out to her, but I managed to restrain myself.
She couldn’t have missed my eyes flickering to her lips. Surely.
‘Can we just read the names on the date card?’ Kumiko said. ‘Have this fight on your own time, you two.’
Once again, I wasn’t on the date card, but Dylan was. She, Naya, Belinda, Jess K and Lily traipsed out of the Villa and off down the hill. She waved goodbye to me, perfectly normally. I waved back, probably normally.It’s all right,I tried to tell myself,it’s fine, you’re overthinking things, settle down.
It didn’t work. My stomach was a mess of bubbling questions and feelings.
I tried desperately to think about something else. Anything else. I helped Parisa make an eggplant stew for lunch. I mediated when Heather complained about it. I volunteered to do all the dishes, scrubbing the stew pot to within an inch of its life.
Her lips. My eyes.
My chore on the wheel this week was cleaning our bathroom, so after I finished the dishes, I got to work andstarted scrubbing. I put my whole self into it, getting right into the grout, wiping the shower door carefully clean so there were no streaks on the glass.
I was good at cleaning. It was one of those ‘nice handwriting’ level good things about myself – i.e. too small to count for much – but it was still satisfying. It cleared my mind and made me feel calmer.
Usually.
Her lips. My eyes.
I wiped down the mirror and got rid of all the toothpaste flecks before going over it with a microfibre cloth. The Mandie in the mirror’s hair was falling down from her messy ponytail, and her cheeks were flushed with exertion. One strap of my dove-grey singlet top had fallen off my shoulder. I looked like I’d just rolled out of bed with someone, and they’d messed me uprealgood.
I could see it. Lying on top of the covers with her. One of her hands in my hair, pressing her lips to mine, the other pushing the strap of my shirt off my shoulder. She’d kiss her way down my neck, bite gently on that soft place where neck and shoulder met.I wish you’d told me sooner,she’d say,because we could have been doing this sooner.
I leaned close to the mirror and blew hard, letting the fog cover my reflection.
My eyes had flickered to her lips.
But it had been because she’d licked them.
Probably because they weredry, Mandie, geez.
She’d been holding my hand, though.
Because she was being a supportive friend! Hadn’t I done that for some of the guys at work before?
… granted, on at least one occasion that had led to them propositioning me, but that absolutely hadn’t been what Dylan was doing. Everyone came out on their own timeline and in their own way and all, but hard as I tried, I couldn’t imagine a scenario where I saidI’m bito Dylan, and she didn’t sayme tooback to me if it were true.
I’m the last person who should be making people feel shitty for not revealing things,she’d said. Which could mean…
No. Dylan might have some skeletons in her closet, but she wouldn’t hide in there with them, not from me. If she were into women, she would have told me.
I wiped down the mirror with the microfibre cloth again and looked into Mirror Mandie’s eyes, giving her a stern lecture.She is straight and she is your friend and you are not going to sabotage your friendship by reading things into it that aren’t there,I told her.Get it together.
