• • •
Two days later, we crossed into the Northern Plains. To the east was Jappor, and to the north were the forests and woodlands where Lady Sarnai had grown up.
Lord Xina drilled the soldiers, teaching them to fight as a unit while also testing their physical strength and stamina. Edan taught them what he knew about demons and ghosts.
“Ghosts cannot wield physical weapons; they are not fast like Gyiu’rak, and they are not clever. Their only means of attack is to lure you toward them. They will speak in voices that are dear to you. They will take on the faces of your loved ones, and they will know things that are buried deep within your heart. Do not fall for these traps. Do not touch the ghosts. If you do, you will become one of them, and your spirit will wander forever between the heavens and the underworld, until the demon you serve is vanquished.”
Meanwhile, I sat with the women, peeling a modest bounty of radishes and potatoes one of the farmers had brought.
The women stole glances at my eyes and my gloved hands, and whispered behind my back when they thought I couldn’t hear. It was easy to ignore until Baba came to help; then I quickly made an excuse to leave. I didn’t want him to see the looks they gave me, and I didn’t want to finally have to face his questions. I didn’t want to hurt him with the truth, not yet.
My presence stirred gossip in the camp, so I kept mostly to myself, except for when I joined Lady Sarnai’s nightly war council.
“Four hundred men,” Lord Xina said grimly. “Not nearly enough.”
I wanted to shout that it was more than we could have hoped for, but Lady Sarnai beat me to it.
“We’ve survived worse odds. The women could fight. Several of them have expressed a desire to.”
“They wouldn’t add much,” said Lord Xina. “You’d only be sending them to their deaths. Your father will have thousands of trained men.”
“This is not a war between armies. It is a war against my father. He commands his soldiers through fear, through his alliance with Gyiu’rak. Once he and the demon are defeated, the army will surrender. The challenge will be killing Gyiu’rak. Twisted though my father may be, he is still human—with a human’s weaknesses. He could have killed me at the Winter Palace, but he did not.” Her voice fell soft, but her tone was hard. “He remembers me.”
I drew a labored breath. If it weren’t for seeing Baba and Keton daily at the camp, I would not remember them either. Their faces would be lost to me, the sounds of their voices a familiar song I’d heard before but could not sing.
I’d lost Sendo’s stories and the sound of Mama’s laugh. And the words Finlei used to say when I lacked courage or faith in myself.
I tried not to panic, but the hollow ache inside me grew sharper with each new day.
Tonight,I decided. I would tell Edan what had been lurking in my mind for days.
I prayed he wouldn’t hate me for it.
• • •
When dusk fell, we built a village of tents in the middle of the plains. It had not snowed yet, though the grass beneath our boots crinkled from frost, and with each passing hour the chill of the wind bit deeper. There weren’t many women at the camp; we slept within a handful of tents near Lady Sarnai. Few noticed when I snuck out to visit Edan.
I kept a hand on his chest, taking in the slow steadiness of his heart. Not long ago, I used to worry about him becoming a hawk every evening, but now that felt like a distant memory. He didn’t shout out from his dreams anymore. Now that was me.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, he would reach for my hand. How I wished it would always be so.
But staying Maia was a fight. Every second, every minute, every hour, I battled against myself to distinguish my thoughts from my demon’s. The blood of stars kept enough heart in me to sustain some inkling of who I was. But if I were to lose that dress…
“Was it like this for you?” I asked when Edan woke me from a nightmare. “Being away from your oath? When we were traveling, and you felt the tug of dawn and the pull of dusk?”
“It was different,” Edan replied. “The battle wasn’t against myself. I could feel my magic leaving me, but I knew that reuniting with my master would bring it back. For you, your magic is turning against you…and…”
“And there’s nothing I can do,” I finished for him bleakly. “It’s only a matter of time.”
I pursed my lips and stared at my nails. Thick, hard, and sharp. Even my knuckles had become gnarled, my skin growing scaly and parched.
“How did you end up a hawk?” I asked suddenly.
“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this anymore, Maia. You—”
“I want to know,” I said. “I’ve been thinking about what form I’ll take on. It’ll help me to know.”
He inhaled a deep breath. “Demons take on the form they had when they were enchanters, but not every demon began as an enchanter. Some demons have no spirit form, and others are powerful enough to take on any form they choose.
