It hadn’t been even twenty-four hours since they, since Norah, gave Jamie the Birtamimab. There wasn’t any data on how long improvement took, and it was nearly impossible to tell whether the drug caused any changes or if they were just coincidental. She didn’t know what she was hoping to find there. But that didn’t stop her from making the hour drive in silence, flashing her military ID at the front desk of the hospital, and hoping to god the temporary badge Timmons had given her still worked in the ICU.
The ICU was emptier than the day before. Norah wasn’t sure if that meant people had died, been transferred, or just weren’t getting sick as often. Probably all of the above. She held her breath and raised the badge to the card reader, a flood of relief overtaking her at the pleasantbeepthe doors emitted, followed by a soft click as they welcomed her in.
Norah made a point not to make eye contact, trying to embrace the same courage she’d had the day before. But it wasn’t the same without Chase. Instantly she regretted not asking herto come along. When she reached Jamie’s room, the curtain was closed. She donned her paper gown, gloves, and mask and mentally prepared herself for whatever she would say if someone else was in the room with her. It was too late to turn back now.
But Jamie was alone. The ventilator still sang its eerie swan song, always sounding like death was just around the corner. The lights were low, and the glow of the monitors was ominous. Norah couldn’t help but notice the ventilator settings. She was an infectious-disease doctor and hadn’t done anything with complex ventilator settings since medical school. But she’d recently tried to brush up on her pulmonary pathophysiology and instantly recognized that the ventilator had been turned up. Way up. If she remembered correctly, it was actually up as high as it could go.
Norah’s heart sank. She picked up one of Jamie’s hands, noting her brittle nails and the bruises that had accumulated across her forearms.
“Jamie, it’s me. Norah. I just came to check on you.” Jamie’s eyes showed zero recognition this time, and Norah kept her hand deadly still in Jamie’s, hoping to feel some version of a squeeze. Nothing came.
A tear slipped out and onto Jamie’s hospital gown.
Chapter Twenty
Norah cried during the entire drive back to camp, letting out big, ugly sobs until she thought she might throw up. In fact, she welcomed her tears, as if she wanted to expel all the misery from her body. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. Norah didn’t know what to do. What if she was killing Jamie?
Chase would be upset when she learned Norah had decided to tell John, especially since Chase had wanted to from the beginning. But Norah didn’t know what else to do. She needed some guidance, a third party, someone with experience and wisdom to assure her everything would be okay. A big part of Norah expected Chase to run if things got worse. But it really didn’t matter what Norah did at this point. Chase would leave when things got hard, just like she always did.
It was only a little after eleven a.m. when Norah returned. Chase had called her twice and sent her three text messages, asking where she’d disappeared to that morning. Norah had ignored all of them. She found John at the Situation Room table, drinking coffee and flipping through pages in a notebook.
“Good morning,” he said.
“What are you looking at?”
“Case numbers came out today. They’re down another 5%. And I got word earlier from the FDA that they plan to send us the first batch of vaccines by the end of the month.”
Norah sat across from him, her face no doubt failing to reflect the enthusiasm John’s did.
“What’s weighing on you, kid?” John asked. “That should be good news.”
“It is. It’s great news.”
“So?”
Norah felt her heart jump, and she wasn’t sure how to get the words out.
“John we…I did something bad.” Tears flooded her eyes and tumbled out onto the table at a rate far faster than Norah could contain. She dabbed frantically at them, trying to pull herself together, but they just kept coming.
“Let’s go to my office.”
Norah nodded and followed John to his tent, where she sat on the floor, her knees pulled to her chest, the tears now an all-out rainstorm.
“What happened?”
“I found out about a clinical trial. One that hasn’t gotten very far with the FDA but looked really promising. But then I thought maybe I could save Jamie so…”
She was bawling now, like she’d been when she was in the jeep by herself, her voice completely failing her. Through the bleary cloud of tears, she could make out John’s face. He looked furious.
“Are you trying to tell me you gave Jamie a medication not authorized by the FDA? One that could be incredibly dangerous, even deadly?”
“I’m sorry,” Norah choked out. “We just wanted to help her.”
“We? Was Chase involved in this too?”
Norah hadn’t meant to include Chase. She ultimately had a feeling that no matter how mad he was, John wouldn’t turn them in. But she didn’t want to risk taking Chase down with her if he did.
“No. No. This was all me. It’s all my fault.” She realized she sounded like a ten-year-old throwing a tantrum while suffering the consequences of her own actions. But it still felt good to tell John, like confessing to her own father.
