If only I wasn’t so torn up about the situation with Viktor.
We haven’t spoken at all since he left on Sunday and it hurts so much more than I thought it would.
I even brought my stupid hockey-playing bear with me to New York and fell asleep hugging it last night.
I’m a mess.
Honestly, I don’t know how I managed to do well at the interview because my head and my heart were truly not in it. But I’ve spent my life learning how to push through and disconnect from my emotions when I have to. It’s served me well.
They know my husband is playing in the championship in Alaska, so no one is offended that I keep checking my phone.
“They’re up,” one of the men whose team I would be on says to me. “Bodi Michener just scored.”
“His girlfriend Jayne must be screaming herself raw,” I say with a laugh.
“So, is your husband going to try and get traded here?” one of the women on the team asks. Her name is Judy and she’s about forty, with a big smile and hearty laugh. “He’ll be able to go anywhere if they win the championship.”
“Oh. No.” I slowly shake my head. “We’ll have to do the long-distance thing during the season and then he’ll come here in the off-season. And of course, I can fly back and forth for holidays and whatnot. Everything in hockey is pretty fluid, so who knows where he’ll be in a few years.”
Everyone nods, like this is a perfectly reasonable way to have a relationship. From what I gather, they’re all workaholics who are really into their jobs. They work long hours, drink a lot after work, and then get up and do it all again.
Professionally, I think it might be a good place for me to start over and forget about the stress of my life in Georgia.
Personally, I think it’s going to take a lot of getting used to.
“You’re distracted,” Judy says as we get ready to leave. “You must be missing your husband.”
“Yes.” I nod. “I’m flying to Anchorage tomorrow to meet him.”
She pauses and looks up at me. “This job will be all-consuming.”
“Oh, I know. I’m prepared for?—”
She holds out a hand, interrupting me. “Look, you’re going to get a formal offer. No doubt about that. But think hard before you say yes. Because you might end up like me. Forty-five, twice divorced, and this is my life.” She motions with her hand. “The job, my coworkers, nights out like this one. I don’t have a personal life, Holly, and definitely no love life. No kids, nothing to go home to. If you take this job, you’ll get sucked in. Trust me on that. I thought I could do both. Believe me, I tried. Twice.”
“No one at the company is married?” I ask curiously.
“Sure. Lots of guys find trophy wives who are happy to stay home, raise the kids, and spend their money. Don’t get me wrong—when I retire, I’ll be set for life. It’s just a matter of whether or not it’s worth the sacrifice. At this stage of my life, I’m beginning to wonder. And I can see missing your husband’s game is weighing on you. But this won’t be the last thing you miss out on. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.” She squeezes my arm as her Uber pulls up. “Good luck, Holly. It was great to meet you and I do look forward to working with you if you decide to take the job.”
Then she’s gone, leaving me even more confused than ever.
I decide to walk back to my hotel instead of getting a cab. It’s a long walk but I need to clear my head. It’s not too hot out and there’s a breeze, so I stroll the city streets lost in thought. I itch to call Viktor but I’m not sure what to say at this point. My heart hurts because I’ve never fallen in love like this before. Not just so quickly, but so completely.
He fills parts of me I didn’t realize were empty and gives me a different reason to get up in the morning. He’s quiet and a little stubborn, but also loyal and kind and strong. And I don’t just mean physically, though that’s nice too. But there’s a quiet strength to him that most people don’t see. He never stood up to his mother—until he had a reason to.
How I’ll go back to living my life without him is impossible to imagine.
If I take this job here in New York, I’ll probably be too busy to miss him but is that what I want? I thought a job like this was the culmination of all my professional goals—but I’m starting to second-guess myself. This wasn’t the career I chose but it’s the one I’m qualified for, which makes everything that much more complicated.
Living in New York would mean being away from my father. Far away. In a capacity he cannot manage or manipulate. It will also ensure that my grandmother’s house and sanctuary are safe because I won’t need anyone’s money to help me. And I now have seven hundred grand in the bank.
But it will also mean leaving my friends and being far away from the sanctuary I love so much.
And Viktor.
I don’t know what any of this means for Viktor and me. If he doesn’t consider his life with me his home, then why would he even be part of the equation? I have to move forward like we’re not going to be together.
No matter how much I want to be.
