I hate that my first instinct isn’t to run. I hate that my body doesn’t remember all the reasons I should be afraid. Instead, I melt into him, kissing him back with the same desperation I’ve been trying so hard to deny. A million tiny butterflies erupt in my stomach, fluttering wildly as my hands bury themselves in his raven hair.
For a few precious seconds, I let myself pretend. I let myself believe I can have this. I want to stay right here forever—freeze this exact moment in time and live inside it. But then reality comes crashing back, and I remember why he’s standing in front of me. I remember what he’s here for, and all the things I’m keeping from him. All the reasons why I can’t let him get any closer.
My heart cracks as I pull away.
“I-I’m sorry,” I whisper, my fingers finding my lips and tracing the place where his were just seconds ago. “We can’t, Miles.”
I walk back into my dorm before I can change my mind, but he follows me inside. The door clicks shut behind him, and suddenly the small room feels even smaller. Like there’s nowhere left to hide.
“Why can’t we?” he asks, his voice filled with frustration and hurt. “I don’t understand why you’re pushing me away in the first place.”
The pain in his voice twists something inside me because I know he has every right to feel that way. If I were in his position, I’d be frustrated too. All I’ve done is pull him close whenever I need him and shove him away the second things start feeling real. I call him when I’m scared, I lean on him when I don’t know what else to do. The moment he gets close enough to actually see me, I panic and push him away.
It isn’t fair to him, I know that. But I don’t know who else to call. I don’t know who else makes me feel safe when everything inside me is falling apart. And that’s what scares me the most, because the more I need him, the more I know I’m going to hurt him.
I sit on the edge of my bed, needing the space between us to keep me grounded. But Miles doesn’t let me hide behind it. He walks closer, slowly closing the distance I’ve spent so much time trying to create.
When he steps between my knees, my breath catches. The simple gesture sends those same butterflies from before rushing back, and I immediately hate myself for how easily he affects me. How quickly my body forgets that I’m supposed to be afraid.
I drop my gaze to the floor, focusing on a random sock lying near my desk because that feels easier than looking at him. I try to ignore the way he makes me feel. The way my heart raceswhen he’s close. I try to ignore the fact that some part of me has already chosen him, even if the rest of me is still fighting it, but it’s useless.
Miles grabs my chin, tilting my head upward until I have no choice but to meet his eyes. And just like that, I’m caught in his magnetic pull. His light blue eyes do so much to me. I can see every shade hidden within them—the lighter blues that make him look almost unreal, the darker ring around his irises that only makes them more intense.
God, he’s beautiful.
I watch as he swallows, his Adam’s apple moving with the motion, and I’m genuinely shocked by the effect something so simple has on me. I never thought watching a man do something as normal as swallow would make me want to completely lose my mind.
Yet somehow, here I am. Ready to ruin myself for him.
“We need to talk, Mads,” he says quietly. His thumb brushing along my jaw before he lets his hand fall. “I found some…stuff. And I really think we should talk about it.”
My entire body freezes.
My eyes snap up to his, searching his face for an answer before he even gives me one. There’s something there that I can’t place. Concern, maybe. Worry.
I don’t know.
I’ve spent my entire life learning how to read people. I had to. I had to know when someone was angry, when someone was lying, when someone was about to hurt me.
But Miles is different. He’s impossible to figure out.
“What did you find?” I ask carefully, my voice quieter than I intended.
Because what could he possibly know? He doesn’t know my last name. I made sure of that. I kept everything about myself locked away. And I started pushing him away before things everhad the chance to become serious. There shouldn’t be anything for him to find.
“Well…” He exhales, looking down for a moment before meeting my eyes again. “After everything that happened, after we got into that fight, I started thinking about everything. About the way things have been between us. And I got upset.”
His jaw tightens. “I know I probably shouldn’t have, but I looked into your past. You’re always keeping secrets, Maddie, and I just?—”
“You did what?” My voice cuts through the room before I even realize I’ve spoken.
The anger hits first, then the fear, my eyes widening as my heart starts pounding so hard, I can barely hear anything else. He looked into my past. Who fucking does that? What did he find?
A cold wave of panic washes over me as my mind races through every possibility. What if he found out? What if he knows what happened? What if he knows what I did? What if he looks at me and doesn’t see Maddie anymore? What if he only sees a monster?
“How fucking dare you, Miles!” My voice rises as I stand, the fear quickly turning into anger because anger is easier. Anger doesn’t make me feel weak. “What gives you the right to look into someone’s past just because they’re keeping secrets?” I demand. “They’re secrets for a reason! Did you ever stop and think about that? Or did you just decide you didn’t care?”
“Maddie, please, just let me fin?—”
