I head through the hall, towards the door as Neive says, “You’re a fucking idiot, Elton.”
“This doesn’t concern you, Neive.” He is soft with his voice, but his words are strained. I can’t let him do this to me. I haven’t done anything to deserve this treatment.
I close my eyes, fist my hands and pull in every bit of strength I’ve got through one long breath, before blowing it out and finding my big girl knickers. “Elton. Can I have a word, please?” I remain calm and conscious with my movements as I make my way to the front door and wait, anxiety bubbling inside of me. Eventually he follows, his footsteps slow and hesitant. We are far enough away from the lounge for privacy but – as we know from the other night – the voices carry in this house. So I keep my voice low.
“I know this isn’t the ideal time, Elton, but if I don’t say this now, I have a feeling I won’t be getting another chance.” His lack of response tells me I’m right. “I did as you asked. I gave us a chance and now you’re throwing it away. You’re ending this with me without even saying anything. If I was as callous as you, I would be impressed. Who knew you could ghost someone right to their face?” He winces, but still refuses to meet my eyes.
“I have done nothing except try to be there for you and you’re pushing me away. You need to fix yourself. I’m not your therapist, Elton. I’m meant to be your girlfriend. You wanted me to live with you, for Christ’s sake.” My eyes ache as I hold back the tears. I refuse to allow them to fall. “Are you going to say anything?”
“I have to focus on my family right now, Reilly,” he croaks out his pitiful excuse.
“Right now or forever?” I purse my lips, waiting for his answer, my heart beating into my throat. His dull eyes and chaotic hair pull at me. He’s hurting. So badly hurting. I soften my voice. “You don’t have to do this alone, Elton.” But when I reach my hand forward and he flinches back, I have my answer. “So this is it? We’re over.” He averts his gaze, looking off to the side. “I knew it was too good to be true.”
His eyes flick to me before moving up to burn a hole in a spot above my head. Coward.
So I leave, knowing this relationship is over. There is no coming back from this. I won’t hang around for him to get himself together only to be thrown aside when the next disaster strikes.
“I’m sorry, Reilly.” It’s barely a whisper, but I hear it. His goodbye words. His words that end this whirlwind love affair.
The man I fell for is gone. I won’t stick around for him to find his way back.
THIRTY
Elton
“You’ve really fucked up this time,” Neive tells me as I make my way back over to her and settle in, placing a blanket across both of us, desperately avoiding any eye contact. One look of disappointment from Neive will be enough to push me over the edge.
“I know you’re recovering, but can we cut the swearing, please.” I need to switch from heartbroken Elton to Uncle Elton. Neive needs me right now. My pain will be dealt with later.
“Why would you end things with Reilly? I mean…that was harsh. And seriously, you can hear everything in this house.” Neive sneers at me, and I don’t blame her anger.
She’s right. I was a coward. I couldn’t even bring myself to open my mouth to defend my decision. Never mind defending myself, I couldn’t even get the words outto tell her. But I didn’t have to. She knew what I was doing, but she doesn’t know why I did it.
Her words hurt, but she was right, and I deserved to hear them. I’ve broken her heart. I’ve broken my own heart, but I’m not important right now. Neive and MJ are. My responsibilities are.
“Please explain it to me, Uncle. I don’t understand. You two are so perfect together.”
“Never mind that now—”
“No!” She cuts me off. “I’m fed up with being told not to worry about it all. I do worry, and you telling me not to doesn’t help. You say I’m just a child, but there’s all this adult stuff going on around me, and I deserve adult explanations.”
Obviously, the trauma has lowered her reserve.
“Please, help me understand why you would do this?”
I take in the young girl in front of me. Not my tiny baby niece anymore. I forget how much she takes in, how much she sees. She’s right, she does deserve an explanation. We unintentionally put her in the middle of the drama in our lives, then try to shield her from the fall out. But it’s too late, the consequences of our actions started to pile on Neive a long time ago.
“When we were kids,” I start, “after everything that happened with our parents, me and your mum were separated.” I pause to gather myself. It still haunts me. “I had been sent off to school by Charles’s dad. I was being educated and so focused on school and my life. Meanwhile your mum was struggling.” I pull Neive into me and stroke her hair, like I used to with her mum. “I didn’t see it. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me.”
I was so preoccupied with my own life, and I would keep up the frequent phone calls and visits, but I never truly saw what was happening. She practically disappeared before my eyes. Mysweet, kind sister became angry and bitter at the world. Loneliness will do that to a person, suck your soul out of you and strip you bare. MJ was horrendously bullied in her foster home, which only continued into school – until she finally settled herself in with the wrong crowd, just to find a semblance of belonging. It was my fault, I should have been there, I should have begged Diane to take her in or for William to send her to school with me. I could have protected her.
The memories of watching her slip away into herself plague me. The heavy drinking and drugs, a hideous spiral that I didn’t stop. I allowed it to happen.
Just like when she fell back into that way of life six months ago, when I had to step in and send her to rehab. Again. Though this time it was so much worse: Neive was suffering.
“Neive, I let things slip again and you got hurt.”
“You can’t blame yourself for the attack.”
