“Let it out,” Melissa said. “Ain’t nobody in here but us.”
“That’s the problem,” I said, laughin’ through it. “It be like that in my head too. Just me and my thoughts. And these kids.” I rested my hands on my stomach. “I keep thinkin’… what if they feel that? The worry. The fear. I don’t want that for them.”
Mel sighed. “These babies gon’ feel how much you love ‘em more than anything. I see you, Fee. You already on mama time.”
I sniffed. “I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“News flash,” she said. “None of us ready. April out here tryna be somebody wife. Charlee out here maybe pregnant and havin’ a meltdown every other day. I’m scared to commit to a nigga who already halfway my whole life. We all spooked.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that.
“You talk to Roman?” I asked, flippin’ it back on her.
She sucked her teeth. “We not talkin’ about me right now.”
“Yeah, we is,” I said. “‘Cause half my fear is watchin’ y’all too. Seein’ how love can look and how quick shit can get complicated.”
She huffed. “He showed up at a perfume place today, Fee. In the ladies’ bathroom. Standing there like that was regular.”
My eyes widened. “You lyin’.”
“I wish,” she said. “This nigga really told me he been keepin’ tabs on my movements. Quietly. Like he was tellin’ me the weather.”
“Whew,” I said, lettin’ out a low whistle. “That’s… a lot.”
“Exactly,” she said. “He said the quicker I stop fightin’ him, the quicker shit can be ‘normal.’ Like his normal not sittin’ in a dark car outside my house.”
“Do it scare you?” I asked.
She hesitated. “Yeah. And no. That’s what’s fuckin’ me up. Part of me wanna call the police. The other part of me… feel weirdly safe knowin’ he always around. It’s dumb.”
“It’s not dumb,” I said. “You just not used to nobody choosin’ you that loud. Just like I’m not used to nobody choosin’ these babies this loud.”
I put my hand over my belly again, feelin’ one of them kick.
“Trend say he excited,” I went on. “He talk to them through my stomach, play music, kiss my ankle and shit. But then his phone ring, and it’s always, ‘I gotta slide.’ I know he gotta move different now. I just… need him to show me I’m not gon’ be last on the list once they here.”
Melissa leaned back, lettin’ out a breath. “Maybe that’s our theme. All of us scared of bein’ last on somebody list.”
“Maybe,” I said.
We sat there a minute, both in our heads.
Then I felt my eyes burn again.
“I be up at night sometimes,” I confessed, voice low. “Layin’ on my side ‘cause I can’t sleep on my back no more, listenin’ to Trend snore, and I be mad. ‘Cause he sleepin’ so peaceful, and my mind racin’. I be wantin’ to wake him up just so he can worry wit’ me.”
Melissa laughed. “You sound like a real mama already.”
“I’m serious,” I said, but I was smilin’ too. “Then I feel guilty, ‘cause he got weight on him I can’t see. He tryna be a provider the way his daddy was, but not too much of the street shit. I know that. But I also need him to be soft with me when I crack. I can’t be the strong one for everybody no more. Not with two whole people about to depend on me.”
She nodded, eyes soft. “You told him that part?”
“Not like that,” I admitted. “I be gettin’ mad and leadin’ with attitude instead of truth. I say, ‘You always gone,’ instead of, ‘I feel alone.’”
“That’s the difference,” she said. “Y’all talkin’ at each other, not to each other.”
I sighed. “You bein’ wise for somebody runnin’ from they boyfriend.”
