It felt like my arse had moulded into the tiles by the time Gwen came back. I hadn’t moved. I couldn’t. Partly because I was trying my best not to throw up again, and party because my legs were trembling with nerves now. My thoughts were whirling around in my head like a hurricane.Pregnant?There was no way. I’d only known him two months.
The front door slammed, and I heard her voice ring out, casual as ever from the bottom of the stairs.
“Pregnancy test, crisps, jelly beans, and don’t panic, but I got you a Lucozade in case you pass out.”
I heard her footsteps again. Then her face appeared in the doorway with a Tesco bag and that particular blend of pity and amusement she reserved just for me.
She knelt down and threw a bag of crisps into my lap.
“You ready?” she asked, holding up the little pink box like she was about to defuse a bomb.
“Absolutely not.”
“Too bad. Pee on the stick, please. I have snacks but no patience.”
As I took the box, my heartbeat was everywhere. In my throat, in my fingertips, in the hollow of my stomach. I kept staring at the little stick like it was a bomb. How many years had I begged for this? Willed it? Prayed into the dark for a second line that never came? And now…now I was shaking so badly I almost dropped it.
What if it was positive? What if it wasn’t? Both answers terrified me. Both would split me in two. A minute later, I opened the door again, holding the test like I might fall apart by just looking at it wrong.
She snatched it before I could even blink. “Timer’s on. Three minutes.”
“Three minutes,” I whispered, sinking back to the floor.
Three minutes where the air felt too thick. Where my head was too full. Where my body felt too small for everything it was holding…or could be holding.
We didn’t speak. Not until Gwen’s phone buzzed. It scared the shit out of both of us.
“I can’t look,” I panicked.
Gwen nodded once, then stood. She was as calm and as steady as ever when she walked over and flipped the test.
“Oh my God.”
I covered my face with both hands. “It’s positive, isn’t it?”
She didn’t answer. Not right away.
I felt the whole room get heavier. I peeked through my fingers. Gwen was staring at the test like it was something precious.
“Oh my God,” I said again, lower this time. “Gwen, I’m pregnant.”
“You’re pregnant.” She nodded, confirming it.
I laughed, or maybe sobbed. It came out jagged and strange. “But…I tried. Before. You know. It didn’t happen. I thought…”
Her expression changed into something calmer. “It didn’t happen withhim,” Gwen corrected softly. “Maybe for a reason. Maybe the universe knew.”
I shook my head. “No. This is…this isinsane. It was an accident. I forgot my pill in Canada, and I was only a few hours late taking it. I didn’t even know, didn’t even think…oh God, the time differences. Shit, maybe there were a few more I was late with…and now this? Now?”
She sat beside me, warm and solid, her hand finding mine.
“Jesus Christ, two months with Jordan, and he’s already knocked you up. Honestly, if that’s not the universe trying to make a bloody point, I don’t know what is.”
“That isnotcomforting.”
She grinned a little. “Meant it as a compliment. You’ve got serious fertility skills, apparently. Who knew?”
I couldn’t laugh. I just stared at the stick like it might blink and change its mind. “What am I going to do?”
