She takes my face in her palms and leans in, pressing her forehead to mine.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ she says again. Each word leaving her plump lips slowly. ‘But why didn’t you stay here? Why did you leave me?’
Her question sends barbs shooting into my chest and needles prickling at my throat. My heart grinds like a stuck clutch, but red-hot rage also pours through me. Her question makes me fucking angry. She asks it as if leaving her was a choice. I left because she needed to be safe. I left because …
‘I can’t lose you,’ I admit.
‘That doesn’t answer my question.’
‘Well, it’s the only answer I have.’
Guilt. Anger. Regret. Grief. Every one of these emotions flash and sear through my insides.
I close my eyes. I need to remember what I’m here for: to find Erik and make his blooddrip.
I shake my head from her hands. ‘We should have just gone to the fucking carnival that night.’ The thought’s been one that’s kept me up at night as it gnaws on my conscience,but it’s the first time I’ve said my regret out loud. ‘How different life would be if we just went to Lucifer’s Dream four years ago, Gianna … If we did, Jace might still be here.’
But we didn’t. I chose to take Gianna to The Tropics. And I gave Jace my keys.
The silence blankets over us, heavy and cold like snow, but my body buzzes with so much heat my fingers tremble.
‘So if you can’t lose me, but we can’t be together … Who does that work out for, Ryker?’ she asks, her voice barely more than a whisper.
It’s another question I don’t know how to answer.
‘Why can’t we go back to how things were?’ she continues, full of hope. ‘When we’d have fun, and go camping and not have a care in the world?’
The nights I’ve lain awake, wishing for this.
I look up, seeing the misty windows keeping us separate from the outside world. Hidden. Maybe in here, we’re safe. Hidden away from all our problems and the past that plagues us. But it’s not real.
‘If you want that version of me, then I need to leave right now so you can keep him in your mind forever. Because I don’t love you the way he did.’
Gianna flinches, clutching at her chest as if she’s been punched. I reach across and turn her chin toward me so I can see her eyes. She needs to understand.
‘Gianna, I can’t. I can’t go back to loving you the way I did back then. There’s nothing sweet, or tender or innocent about what I feel for you now.’ I stare at her, taking her in. The flecks of gold in her irises. Her smooth, tanned skin that I’m always dying to touch. Every wisp of a curl that sticks to her glossy lips. I see everything.She’smy everything.
And it’s painful.
This pain has been my most brutal philosopher, the hand that’s dragged me through the weight of my own choices. This pain is why I know I can’t love her gently. ‘My love for you is unhinged.’
A heavy breath whooshes from Gianna’s lungs. Her fingers reach up, gripping at the fabric of my shirt. Clenching and releasing, as if she can’t decide whether to pull me closer or push me away.
‘I’ll hold you with reverence.’ My shaky breaths ghost across her lips. ‘But I’ll also make you blush and faint. I’ll pleasure you until you weep.’ My tongue tastes the salty tear that rolls down her face. ‘I’ll lap up every tear and claim your sweet fear as my own because I crave the taste of you. All of you. And I’ll kill anyone who dares to evenbreathetoo close to you.’
Gianna drops her forehead to mine. I swoop a hand over her head, tilting it back so I can see her face.
‘I want to rip into your skin,’ I say, dropping a hand against her chest, ‘and find every hidden place, just to force you to see it. I’ll make you desperate, not for me, but for the version of yourself I bring to the edge. I promise you’ll always have fire in your eyes. So, I can’t love you like I did back then, Gianna. Too much time has passed where I’ve needed you and couldn’t have you. Where I reached for you and couldn’t feel you. I want to protect you and I’ll go to dangerous lengths to make sure you’re safe. I told you before. I want your everything.’
She looks at me in the same way she used to. Then she slowly climbs over the centre console, extending a leg over to straddle me. My hands instantly reach for the warmth of her thighs. She wraps her fingers into my hair and I breathe in her sweet scent of jasmine and lemons as she settles into my lap.
Her fingers graze at my chest. ‘Your heart is beating so fast.’
What is this feeling?‘I’m scared … I think,’ I admit.
‘Of what?’
‘Not getting to keep you.’
