She’s staring ahead, fixated on the space in front of her as fat drops of rain begin to smack against the windshield. Her chestnut eyes lack the fire I love to see, as if the embers have been snuffed out.
I hadn’t planned to tell her the truth about what happened that night. I’m not even sure if she remembers Erik was there or who he was. What matters now is that I definitely know he’s here, he’s back and he’s been hiding right under my fucking nose this entire time.
The silence continues, swirling with my regret as I think about all the things that led up to the accident that night. All the things we could have done differently. Everything we lost.
At last, she blinks a few times before turning to me. She puts on a strong front, but her bottom lip quivers. ‘I tried to tell the police it was a hit-and-run, but they didn’tbelieve me. They said it was a tragic accident. That it was Jace’s fault. That he lost control and—’
‘Yeah, well, it’s all bullshit, isn’t it?’ I level her with a look. ‘You know better. I know you do. That’s why you pulled apart the bike.’
I stare into Gianna’s glassy eyes as the delicate column of her throat shifts.
‘I …’ she starts with indignation, then softens. Her voice is placating when she continues, ‘Yeah. The brakes were cut. I took it apart three times to make sure because I couldn’t believe it. I saw the car hit him, but the cops… they just wouldn’t listen. They kept shoving helpline numbers in my face. I just pushed everything away about that night after that.’
‘They gaslit you into forgetting. But in the end, it was my bike,’ I say with dread. ‘It was supposed to be me.’
I swallow, blinking long and hard. It’s a truth I’ve come to terms with, but it still sears through my chest.
‘Why didn’t you tell me you knew?’ she asks.
‘I didn’t want to hurt you any more than I had. That whole night happened because of me, and I’d do anything to go back and do everything differently. Then Jace would still be here.’
‘And Alexander?’ she asks. ‘What’s he got to do with this?’
‘Alexander was my closest lead to finding Erik. For the past four years, we’ve been playing a game of cat-and-mouse all up the coast. But every time we got to a town, he gave us the slip. Erik’s always been a step ahead of me. Of all of us.’
She nods her head, saying nothing. There’s a pause, where the heaviness of our past and the weight of our decisions press down on us.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ she breathes. ‘It wasn’t your fault, Ryker.’
‘It was, Gianna!’ I suck in a harsh breath, feeling the rage take over. ‘You know it. You even wanted me to apologise for it.’
Her face twists. ‘Not for what happened to Jace, Ryker. I wanted you to apologise for leavingme!’ she cries. ‘I needed you!’
Guilt nips at me, making my chest twist, but my point still stands. ‘If we didn’t go sneaking off. If I was with him—’
‘It wouldn’t have changed a thing.’
I look away. Her words are like a needle that’s slipped between my ribs to bury itself in the very centre of my heart. She’s wrong. I could’ve stopped it.
If I wasn’t with Gianna that night, it wouldn’t have happened.
‘If we didn’t fight, he wouldn’t have taken off on my bike in a rage. And maybe if we hadn’t stolen that statue, it’d just have been like any other night,’ I argue.
‘Really?’ Her voice is soft. ‘Do you really think anyone on this planet could stop Jace from doing what he wanted? He’d have stolen that statue with or without you, and the Empire City boys would have come after him no matter what. Thewhat ifs will haunt you as long as you let them, Ryker.’
I reach out, wrapping Gianna’s hair in my fist, frustrated that she doesn’t get it. She lets out a small cry and a light sheen of sweat breaks out on her forehead. I draw her in, glaring into her eyes, watching as her pupils dilate with fear.
‘It wasn’t him they were after,’ I grind out the words. ‘It was me, my bike. I gave him the fucking keys to his death. And now, I’m trying to do what’s best for you. I’m trying to keep a promise.’
I close the space between us and press my lips to hers, drowning myself in the torture of tasting her a final time.I could have had this. Every day for the rest of my life, I could have had her. My chest aches with thoughts of what could have been.
I let go, pulling away before reaching for the handle to leave so she can drive herself home. I don’t know where I’ll go or what I’ll do, but she needs to go home, and I need to fucking get away from her so I can think straight.
‘You’re just gonna leave again?’
My hand drops. When I find the courage to look at her, tears are welling in her eyes, though there’s plenty of defiance in her gaze.
‘I can’t do this without you, Ryker. Not again,’ she continues.
