“Do we have to decide now?”
“Of course not,” he rushed to say. “I could get a vasectomy now. And in the future…it can be reversed, right?”
“Sawyer…” I pushed myself onto my elbow, looking down at him.
My anxiety tingles persisted.
“What?” He looked genuinely confused, dropping his head onto the pillow to gaze up at me, blond hair flying everywhere. “Is this you telling me you don’t want to have sex with me? Because I’m pretty sure I remember a fair amount of begging last night, and?—”
I gave him a playful smack on his chest.
“Obviously, I want you,” I said, laughing lightly before sobering. “But I can just get another IUD. The Paragard is a safe option for me.”
He made a face. “I believe your words in Boston wereit was making my periods unbearable.”
“Yeah, but?—”
“And the procedure was awful for you. You were in so much pain afterward.”
“I know, but…” I drifted off, shrugging.
I didn’t really have a good defense, but I’d always figured I’d have to get an IUD again one day. There just hadn’t seemed like much point when I hadn’t been in a relationship or sexually active. There was no reason to endure the extra cramping or heavier flow days.
“There are some progesterone-only options that most doctors would probably say are low risk for me.”
Sully shook his head. “I’m not fucking interested in any risk, El.”
“Well, I can research it more. And I think there’s actually a new hormone-free IUD that they’ve recently released, so I could maybe try that?—”
“Eleanor, look at me,” he cut in.
I did, my eyes catching on his bright blue ones.
“We don’t have to decide anything today. My intention is not to rush you or make you think that I need sex?—”
“Ineed sex,” I cut in, making Sully’s lips twitch to the side. His eyes wandered over my face, making it flush all over again. “I mean, I’ll survive, of course,” I added, realizing I’d come on a little strong with that one. “I’ve survived for several years, after all. But that wasn’t all that hard. It’s a little different when you’re here…” I placed a hand on his bare chest, and his warmth seeped into my fingertips. The faint echo of his heart pulsed there. I could almost sense the increase in tempo. “In the same bed as me…” I dragged my fingers through the light dusting of chest hair. My voice was breathier when I added, “And it’s been so long.”
“El.” Sully’s large body shivered before he caught my hand, stopping its exploration. His laugh was soft. “Stay focused for one more second for me.”
I blinked, finding his face, tuning back in to theconversation. Sully’s amused expression stared back at me, but I could also see the want in his eyes that he was trying to suppress.
“Please just think about it,” he said gently. “I don’t think it should be up to you to carry all the weight of this. If I can take some of the pain, the discomfort, the risk…I want to do that.”
I blew a breath out between my lips. I didn’t like the idea of risking anything when it came to Sully. Anxiety returned, and I wondered if this was what he felt like when it came to me and my health. How easily the worry could mirror itself.
“I’ll think about it.”
I didn’t know enough about vasectomies. More than anything, I needed to make sure it was safe. Of course, I knew it was common, regarded as routine. But with the way my brain worked, I needed specifics. I needed to know he’d be okay, and I needed to know we wouldn’t completely eliminate our choices for the future.
At one point, the thought of having choices, of having tomakea choice about children, felt so unbelievably daunting. Because what if I made thewrongchoice?
Everything felt a little different now.
Iwantedthe choice. I’d experienced a sliver of a reality, of one of those choices I’d previously been afraid to make, and now, a deep-seated realization had settled in my gut, a profound want for a reality that I’d been so close to having.
Soclose…before it had disappeared.
I wished I didn’t miss it so much.
