Sighing, I threw my hand over my head, staring past him to the ceiling full of glow-in-the-dark stars. “In the months leading to our breakup, I thought about pregnancy all the time.All the time, Sawyer. But especially when we’d have sex. That’s why I always had you use a condom, even though I had the IUD. I was soparanoidabout it, and I was afraid to tell you just how much I?—”
I glanced back at him and his pained expression.
“Keep going,” he encouraged. “I want to know how you felt. And how you feel now.”
“I was terrified,” I said honestly, “and it does still scare me, but not nearly as much. There’s a lot I’ve come to terms with, become more knowledgeable about, accepted—in a sense. My brain has quieted, I’ve gained some trust back in my body again, and my thoughts aren’t as obsessive. I’ve had a therapist or two. And I think part of me realized that in Boston, how much I’ve healed as time has dragged on. Because I didn’t think about pregnancy once that night. All I knew was that I wanted you. I wanted you and whatever came with having you. You, being with you, was the only thing in the world that mattered.”
“I feel the same about you, Eleanor.” He nodded, so very steady when he added, “Which is why I want to get a vasectomy.”
“But I…” I frowned. “I don’t understand. I’m telling you that I—well, I think I mightwantto try again one day. With you.”
Sully nodded again. He was still playing with my hair, and his eyes dropped to the side of my head, where he was twirling a finger in the strands by my ear. A half-smile played on his lips, but he didn’t say anything. And I wondered if he was speechless because I’d said too much.
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “We, like, just got back together and—” I paused, replaying what I’d just said in my head. “Wait, is that what happened? Are we?—”
“Together,” Sully interjected, his voice firm. “We’re together, Eleanor. As together as two people can be. Girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever you want to call it. Truthfully, those words don’t really feel adequate to me, and I’d really like to upgrade them.”
“Upgrade them?” I repeated breathlessly while my cheeks heated beneath his intense stare.
“Upgrade them,” he confirmed, and something flipped in my stomach. “Whenever you’re ready, of course. I’m not trying to rush things. I just want you to know that—” He paused, searching for words.
“That it’s okay for me to say that I might want to have yourbabies one day like a second after we just got back together?” I finished for him.
“Yeah, that.” He nodded, letting his hand drop back to my hair. He stroked over it this time, his palm encompassing most of my head. “This conversation isn’t too soon, if that’s what you’re worried about. I think it’s five years too late. Actually, what I really think is that you should say what you just said again.”
“What?” A breathless laugh left my lips. “That I think I might like to have your babies one day?”
“Yeah, El.” His smile was warm—hot, almost. Like there was a part of him that desperately wanted to make that happen. Like he’d reallyenjoymaking that happen. “That.” He curved his hand around until it rested on my cheek, and his expression dimmed a little. “But there are a few key words in there. Likethinkandmight. I feel those words strongly, too.”
“But I thought?—”
“Yes, I’d love to have kids. Butonlywith you.”
I swallowed hard.
“Do you hear me?Onlyyou.”
I gave a slow nod.
“The idea that you really thought that I could just—” His eyes rolled up to the ceiling for a moment, hurt in them that tore at me inside. “Move on, find someone else, have kids withthem? Fucking killed me. I have never wanted anyone but you, and I will never want anyone but you.” His gaze fell back to me, piercing. “Got that?”
My mouth had suddenly run dry, the words tacky as they left my mouth. Guilty. “Got it,” I promised.
I’d never make that same mistake twice. He’d had plenty of time to think about it by now. Plenty of time to decide what he wanted, and I needed to trust his choices as much as he trusted mine.
“Andnothingis more important to me than your health,” he went on. “Seeing you go through all of this has—” He rubbed his jaw. “Baby,I’mterrified now. Of pregnancy. Of youbeing pregnant. When I was reading that article, it said…” He glanced at me, clearly uncertain if he should say it. If it might scare me. But I’d scared myself a million times over by now.
“You can say it,” I encouraged. “I’m sure it’s something I already know.”
He exhaled, and his voice shook slightly for the first time. “It said that thrombosis is one of the leading causes of mortality in pregnancy and postpartum.”
I nodded because I knew. I’d known. I’d obsessed over it. Thought about it endlessly.
“That’s why I would have preventative treatment,” I said.
“I know, but—” He shook his head. “Butfuck, baby. All those shots. And the possibility of you going through another miscarriage like that, just—it feels like so much risk.”
I breathed deeply, feeling anxious tingles in my stomach. I wasn’t sure they’d ever disappear completely, and that was something I’d have to manage, live with, if we decided to try again. But that didn’t need to be figured out today, did it?
