“How are you feeling now?” he asked, seeming anxious as he leaned against the frame of the door, arms crossed over his chest and brows tugged together.
“I’m okay,” I assured him, pushing my arms into the sweatshirt without fully tugging it on. “That seemed to get it out of my system. For now.”
Sully did not appear convinced. Probably because I was still perched beside the toilet, too scared to move.
“Do you think your stomach can handle some light breakfast?” he asked. “Maybe some toast?”
My insides twisted and cramped at the thought, but I nodded. Sully wouldn’t leave his sentry spot in the doorway until he felt like he was being helpful elsewhere.
“That’d be great.”
He nodded. “I’ll go make some.”
I forced a smile onto my face. “Thank you.”
My expression must not have been too terribly persuasive because Sully visibly hesitated before dragging himself away, and I released a slow exhale.
I needed to get my shit together. How had things already devolved to this? To Sully sleeping over and making breakfast and holding my hair through bouts of morning sickness?
I slowly pushed myself off the ground, being careful as I stood, still feeling dazed. My head spun as I closed the door to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, slightly horrified at the sight staring back at me. My bangs stuck up every which way, and faint lines danced across my cheeks—an imprint from the design on Annie’s throw pillows. Dark circles had formed beneath my eyes, and I rubbed at them, hoping they might magically disappear.
They did not, so I splashed some water on my face. Then I found a brush to fix my hair and relieved my pulsing bladder, only to find evidence of spotting on the toilet paper when I wiped.
I frowned, despite knowing it was normal. In the last sevenyears, I’d read enough articles about pregnancy to know that light bleeding was to be expected. But still, a little alarm bell rang in my brain.
A knock came at the door just as I was pulling up my underwear.
“Eleanor? Toast’s ready.”
Right. Food. My stomach was cramping, but it was hard to tell if it was because it was empty or because it wanted tostayempty. Eating was worth a try.
After brushing my teeth, I followed Sully to the kitchen, where he’d set out every possible topping for toast that a person could imagine. Peanut butter, strawberry jam, Nutella, butter, and a mixture of cinnamon sugar in a tiny bowl sat around a plate with two pieces of toast on it.
“I, uh…” Sully rubbed the back of his neck, a half-smile on his face as he looked at the counter with the menagerie of toast toppings. “Wasn’t sure which one your stomach would handle the best.” He whirled around, heading back to the cupboard. “I think we might also have grape jelly, but I know you don’t like grape or jelly, even though you do like jam, which doesn’t make sense in my brain, but…”
“Sawyer,” I said once he’d trailed off. “This is more than enough.”
“Okay.” He whirled back around. “I know how much you used to love cinnamon toast.”
“Cinnamon toast sounds great,” I said, flashing him an encouraging smile to, if anything, get him to stop tiptoeing around me.
Sully watched, seemingly satisfied, as I ate one piece of toast and then decided to wait and see what my stomach would do with it. I offered the other to Sully, which he took after a fair bit of convincing, covering it with peanut butter.
“I should take my first dose of Lovenox,” I said after we’d both finished breakfast. The pharmacy bag still sat on the counter from last night, and I opened it, pulling all the necessary contents out.
A new bout of anxiety threaded through my being. So many needles. So many syringes. So muchmedication.
“Do you want my help administering it?” Sully asked, once again eager to help.
Sighing, I considered.
I’d spent a great deal of time worrying about this exact scenario, wondering if I’d ever be ready to do this, to have a high-risk pregnancy. But now I was here, and there was no going back, and oddly enough, I wasn’t even sure I would if I could. I might be scared as fuck about the entire situation I was in, but I was also surprisingly at peace with it.
I didn’t know how to fully put it into words, but Ibadlywanted this reality with Sully, more than I probably should. And I knew that, which was exactly why I needed to move through this with caution, be smart about the way I navigated all these changes.
I wasn’t smart last night. Not even a little bit.
I’d acted rashly. I’d wanted Sully, and I’d known I couldn’t have him. I’d known I couldn’t touch him, couldn’t be with him without risking everything, so I’d taken what I thought I could. I’d hated the distance between us, so I did the only thing I could think of to make it more bearable. I’d craved him, our connection, and so I sought it in the safest way I’d known how.
