“Mom and Dean should not be pushing you like that,” I inserted, feeling protective.
Mandy shook her head. “It’s not them. My team needs me.” My sister always held herself to ridiculous standards. “Sho’s probably expecting me home by now.”
“Don’t let your soul get crushed by the corporate world.” I tried for a joke, but Mandy’s eyebrows pinched together.
“I’m not like you.” She sounded uncharacteristically defensive. “Mom and Dad work hard. They run a tight ship here, and sometimes they demand a little more than most people can give, but that’s okay. I’m not most people.”
I was surprised by Mandy’s reaction. I hadn’t meant to rile her up. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
But she doubled down, something that surprised me again. “How did you mean it? That I’m somehow just a cog in a machine? Not everyone wants to live your life, Nat.”
My own defenses rose. “Mandy, listen to yourself. I just don’t want to see what happened to me happen to you.” I worried our parents would turn on her the instant she wasn’t their perfect protégé, but she didn’t have to be treated like that. She could still get out of their clutches.
“You left us, remember? And I’m not unhappy with my life.”
Her words felt like a slap, and I wasn’t prepared for the sting. I knew what our parents were capable of, and if they manipulated her, then cut her off abruptly as they did to me, I worried it would destroy her.
“I’m sorry. I just don’t want them taking advantage of you.”
“You don’t get it, Natty. I want them to be able to rely on me, and they should be able to. I’m a project manager, and yeah, it’s been an undertaking, but I can handle it.”
What would a good sister say to that? “Of course, you can, but also, you don’t have to follow in their footsteps.”
My mother was difficult to get along with, unless you fit the exact mold she laid you into, which I’d tried over and over to do. But over time, I’d learned that there was nothing I could do to make her proud, and when it became apparent that I wasn’t that daughter anymore, I’d been cut off, and Mandy became my mom’s shining star.
“You know what they did to me,” I reasoned.
The prolonged silence had me questioning if Mandy was pulling away. She never really listened to my side of the story, and I always worried about what they’d told her. I could just hear Dean’s voice saying, “Nat chose her passion project over her family.”
Mandy cleared her throat and answered in a neutral tone. “There are two sides to every story.” Ever the diplomat. Maybe she was trying to do peacekeeping, but after I’d tried to reach out last week twice with no reciprocation from my mom, it just felt like a low blow.
“Have you talked to them lately? Did they ask about me?” I asked tentatively.
“No, they haven’t said anything about you lately.” Her voice was a little sad at the admission, and I wished I hadn’t asked. Eventually, I’d have to face my mother, but hopefully, when I did, she wouldn’t bitch-button me again. I realized I hadn’t responded as tears pricked my eyes. “Nat, wait?—”
“No, it’s okay, I’ll talk with you soon, all right?” Before she could respond, I hung up the phone and pulled the throw blanket up to my chin.
All my emotions were swirling around. It was like she didn’t believe me. Her experience with our family was night and day from mine. And I hadn’t ever questioned if I’d made the right choice for myself by pursuing my dream, but the truth was, I didn’t have the option to be in their lives. They cut me out and started treating me like the black sheep they were ashamed of, all while teaching my younger sister to follow in their footsteps.
Mandy had their shared ambition, yes, but she was also a kind soul. She was someone who saw the good in people. I didn’t want that to be the thing they crushed.
Thankfully, Jack gave me privacy. I wasn’t ready to go into our room. I pictured his sweet nephew and the fun day we’d had. The way Jack smiled at me as if he had reason to. I’d seen evenmore of their family. His brother’s jovial demeanor as he joked with his lovely wife, Molly. Everyone laughing and chatting.
What would my family become if Mandy decided to have a child with Shoshanna?
I’d want to be that cool aunt for the kid, even if they were on the East Coast, and with that dream also came the knowledge that I’d have to see my family more. My mom’s disapproving judgment of my life choices. Their disappointed faces and attitudes whenever I tried to be myself.
I let out a longing sigh. Maybe things would be different by the time children came into the picture, but maybe not. Either way, Jack didn’t seem to realize what he had. He was obviously close with his family, and no matter what they’d gone through, he had people who loved him.
FIFTEEN
Nat
The worst thinghappened this morning. I had a sex dream about Jack.
His rugged face hadn’t annoyed me as much. Especially when it was between my legs. And why was he good at literally everything? Dream Nat didn’t have a hard time coming on his tongue. Not one bit.
Which should have been fine. I’d had dreams about people I knew before, and I took them with a grain of salt. But not with people I hated. And definitely not with people I was also stuck living with.
