Thediamondpatternofgray, blue, and yellow brought a smile to my face as I glanced at the friendship bracelet Ren gave me, finding it comforting.
I caught Ren staring and lifted my wrist, wiggling it at him. “Best friendship bracelet I’ve ever received. Thank you.”
His eyes went wide as I pulled a matching one from my pocket. It was a little wonky, some of the diamonds were more square-like, but he smiled anyway so I didn’t care.
“Anything for you, Jamie.”
I smiled at the way Ren said my nickname. There’d be no going back to James, for him anyway. James lived to work, and Jamiecould work to live. Friendships hadn’t been a priority before. They’d needed more time and energy than I’d been willing to invest back then. A week ago, Ren and I had been a little more than work friends, but now, judging by his goofy grin, it was safe to say this relationship would be worth everything I could give it. There was no way I’d let Ren slip away like I’d let all my friends from high school and college. I pictured my phone filled with all of my new camp friends and knew I wouldn’t go back to that life.
“Don’t think I let just anyone call me Jamie.”
“Yeah, good thing we’re best friends.”
“Bracelets don’t lie.” I grinned.
Miles stretched as the music turned hopeful and reflective as we drove on. Ren was unusually quiet for the last several miles. He and Grant had spent most of the morning together, and silently hugged before separating, mirroring the mournfulness between me and Autumn just moments before. I could see the pain in his face at having to part.
I pulled into the parking lot of Wildwood’s two-pump gas station, and Ren dashed into the convenience store for more snacks while I pumped the gas.
Ren came out a couple of minutes later carrying… Everything. He’d obviously learned the importance of snacks from his camp boyfriend. There would be no shortage of food in the event of an emergency, no fight to the death.
“Didn’t you eat before we left?” I asked.
Ren tossed me a bag of Funyuns, my favorite, the motion almost causing him to drop the rest of his stockpile. “I mean, we were kinda busy.”
Ren tried to regain control of the precariously balanced snacks. I opened the door for him, and he sorted through the bounty.
“Making the most of the time? I get that,” I said. “I went looking for Autumn, but she was so busy today. Found Jack instead.”
“How was he?” Ren asked around a bite of a rocky road protein bar.
“He was okay. It’d be difficult living their life, making friends, then watching them leave over and over. The strange thing was, he talked with me as if he’d see me again soon. He was kinda surprised that I was leaving today,” I admitted.
“Maybe he’s onto something.” Ren shrugged. “I almost thought I’d be heading back on my own today.”
“Really? You think I’d miss the first week after being promoted? That doesn’t sound like me.”
“So you would never, you know, decide to go back… It was just goodbye?” he asked, mouth full again.
I shook my head, shoving away thoughts of Autumn in the slice of moonlight in her cabin as we the painful decision to not continue was made. Then I pictured her in our final moments. This was going to be harder than I thought.
“Yeah, of course I’ll visit again.” I tried to skirt the issue. “I have to after such an awkward goodbye. I mean, her parents were there, and if there isn’t anything that kills the mood like parents…”
“Man, if my parents had shown up, I would have been running up that mountain in the other direction. But then maybe I would have been able to stay.” There was a wistfulness to his voice, and I knew, like me, he wished we could go back.
“Funny how quick it felt like home or something, right?” I tried to put into words all the mixed-up feelings I had about leaving where we’d been growing closer, where I’d gotten back in touch with my lighthearted don’t-have-to-live-to-work self.
Ren waved his protein bar in the air. “I know what you mean. I mean… How am I going to go back to a non-communal shower?”
I chuckled. That was probably the only thing I wouldn’t miss about camp. But the people…
Ren completed my thought. “It’ll be the people I miss the most. They make you never want to leave.”
I knew he was mostly talking about Grant, but my mind helplessly wandered back to Autumn. Was she still assisting campers? Or maybe partying in celebration of a hard-worked summer? A day hike daiquiri in one hand, giddy as she swapped her ridiculous pod stories with the other counselors?
“At least no one fell in love though, am I right?” Ren trailed off. I wasn’t sure if he was talking about himself or me, but those words punched me right in the gut.
“Yeah, that would really suck,” I agreed.
Pulling out of the gas station, I let the thoughts mingle as the deep forest green of the trees became swallowed by pastures and fields. I was going to miss it. I’d just have to visit again. I had to keep Autumn in my life.
There had to be some way to make that happen, but the idea of taking more time off once I was responsible for upcoming junior associates was nerve-racking. Sure, I’d have vacation days, and while I’d rarely used them before, that was going to change. It was time to prioritize myself. I wanted to spend more time with my family and to watch my niece and nephew grow up. That was what mattered. I’d already missed so much by overworking and I was done offering excuses. This time around, it would be different. I was different.
Ren’s playlist started, and the road stretched out as memories of Autumn filled me. She’d been everything to me before, and I’d messed it all up. And here I was again, knowing what I felt, knowing what I needed, and driving away from it.
