Chapter 25
My whole chest squeezes so suddenly and so violently that I let out a croak. I stagger, stumble, drag my feet to her when I want to run. But I can’t…I can’t run. I’m trembling too violently for that.
“Arina?” I whisper.
She doesn’t look my way. Her eyes are vacant and fixed on the window. How long has it been since she’s seen sunlight? Tears stream down my cheeks.
“Sister.” I’ve made it to her bedside. She doesn’t look my way but doesn’t flinch, either.That’s good, right?It must be.
I slowly sink onto the edge of her bed. My hands shake as I hold them back from gripping her. From pulling her to me.
She might not want to be touched—might never want to be touched again.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. Those two words are so pathetically small. So I keep talking as if I’ll find some combination of sounds that feels like enough. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. That I let yougo alone into the academy. That my actions pulled you into this. That I—”
My voice cracks, and I press a fist into my mouth, glancing away, trying to smother the sobs that claw at my throat. How dareIbe the weak one.
“I’m sorry that I left you alone,” I finally finish.
The silence hangs so heavy it causes my joints to ache. Still, she doesn’t look at me. She’s breathing. Alive. Present. Yet still so very far away.
“I thought you were dead…I held what I thought were your bones.”Who had I held, then? One of the other students who disappeared last year?“If I’d known you were alive, I would’ve fought to the ends of the earth.”
I shift closer, tilting my head. She stares out the window. The unfiltered dawn is nearly blinding. Still, she looks right at it.
“But…I will fix it.” My voice drops to a whisper, hands balling into fists so tight that my nails dig into my skin. “I will do whatever it takes to fix this broken world.”
She lets out a small sound—almost like the idea of a sigh. I lean forward more, ready to listen. How I wish she’d just scream at me instead of this.
“Do you hate me?” I ask, barely audible.
Finally, she blinks. Her gaze shifts, ever so slightly. Her chin lowers, like she’s seeing me. Not fully, or clearly, but also not like she sees in me a stranger or a threat.
“I wouldn’t blame you,” I murmur. “I won’t even dare to ask for your forgiveness. But I need you to know I love you. I’ve always loved you. And I’ll come back when I’m able. But this might be the last time you see me as I am.”
“What does that mean?” Gregor asks from the doorway.
I straighten, my attention whipping around. He doesn’t seem utterly shocked by Arina’s state. “She been like this for a while?”
“Woke up in the middle of the night and sat. She ate what I offered her.”
“That’s good.” At least she can begin rebuilding the strength in her body. And maybe it’s a sign that somewhere in there she really does recognize us. That she knows we’re not going to give her something that would harm her.
“What did you mean when you said she won’t be seeing you as you are?” Gregor crosses, looking down at me with a serious expression.
“I’m going to remake myself,” I answer him but still speak to Arina, hoping she hears it. What would I do if she doesn’t trust me the next time she sees me because she doesn’t recognize me?
“How?”
“We’ll start with the face, and then we’ll see how much else we need to do.”
“Clara—”
“It’s going to be the only way to keep her safe,” I say, reminding myself of the same. “Ravin appointed Emilia to look for me because she knew me—because she spent all last year watching me thanks to my proximity to her sister. If I look like myself, even a little, I’ll be a risk to everyone.”
“Fuck.” Gregor runs a hand over his scalp. A thick fuzz has begun to grow. It’s been a while since he could last shave.
“After this, I can do what I please—whatever must be done. It’ll be freeing.” And with the Hierophant on my side, I’ll truly move without fear. No one will know my face, and the one person who could magically sense my identity will not out me.I hope.
