I take a sip, the heat burning in a surprisingly comforting way as it slides down my throat. The warmth gathers in my belly, reducing some of my fears. Still, when I open my mouth, nothing comes out.
I don’t know how to talk about Nikhil. Except for Shake, I’ve never told anyone about him. And I’ve never really gone into all the details of it before. I’ve never told anyone about everything that happened in Vegas, about how it felt to fail the bar, about all the things that drove Nikhil and me apart.
My sister leans toward me, placing a hand on my arm, squeezing gently.
“Start at the beginning,” she tells me. “Or wherever you want to start. It doesn’t matter. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”
The tightness in my chest loosens a tiny degree. I take a deep breath, and begin.
—
“So, you and Nikhil ended up signing the divorce papers?” my sister asks, about an hour or two later.
I nod. “Yeah, but I haven’t dropped them off yet, so technically we’re still married.”
The room’s quiet for a moment, then my sister exhales loudly. “God, Meena. I’m so sorry.”
I startle. “Sorry? No, Akka, you don’t have anything to be sorry about. I’m the one who should be apologizing toyou. And Mom and Dad and Ritu…I kept all of this a secret from you and—”
“No. I’m just so sorry that you felt like you had to. I mean, I understand not telling Mom and Dad about everything. Believe me. But I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with all of this on your own. I’m so sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me any of this. I know that there’s this distance between us and that it’s…A lot of it’s my fault.” She looks down at the floor for a second, before returning her gaze to me.
“We never really got a chance to know each other,” she says. “You were still so little when I went off to college, and then I got pregnant with Ritu, and honestly everything in those early years is still such a blur. I was just trying to get through the day and make sure Ritu was all right. I had no idea what I was doing. But…I know I kept my distance from you. Even after I managed to get everything together, I still…I don’t know. Mom and Dad never told me this explicitly, but I always felt like they worried about me being a bad influence on you or something. And at a certain point, it just seemedlike I was too late, you know? You and Ritu had this incredible bond. You still do. And I know that’s not something I’m a part of. And that’s fine. I get it. I’m so happy she has you. She couldn’t ask for a better aunt. But because of that, I thought you didn’t need that from me. That you had the sister you should have always had, the sister youdeserved,in Ritu. But if I’d known…if I’d known that you were going through all of this by yourself, I would have been there for you, Meena. I would have.”
My throat grows tight with emotion.
“But I’m here now,” she continues. “For whatever you need. And Ritu will be too.”
“Thanks, Akka,” I say, my mind still reeling. I hadn’t expected her to respond this way. I don’t know what I’d expected, but it wasn’t this.
My sister’s never been unkind toward me, but she’s always been aloof. Not that I’m surprised that she’s capable of being caring and compassionate and present. I’ve seen her be that way with Ritu. She’s an incredible mom. She’s never been that way with me.
“I appreciate you saying that,” I tell her. “But I guess the problem is…I don’t know what I need. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do now. I started the day with Shake and a plan for the future, and now all of that is gone. It was my choice, and I don’t regret it, but I don’t have a backup plan in place. I don’t know what to do next. I’m just…stuck.”
My sister sighs. “I know that feeling. And I know how terrifying it is. I’m forty-two years old, and for the first time in my life, I don’t know what I’m going to do next. Raising Ritu was the best decision I ever made. I wouldn’t go back, I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but now that she’s graduated, I feel a little lost. Like my life is starting over. And…I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of messing up again. Of letting them down again.” She swallows. “Did you know I’ve been going to therapy? It’s been years now, ever since Ritu started middle school. She’d been having a hard time then, so I looked into it for her sake, but I quickly realized I need it too.” She watches me for a moment. “Have you ever felt like Mom and Dad’s love is conditional?”
Surprise bolts through me. “I…I don’t know how to answer that.” I’m not sure if I’ve ever thought about it like that before, but something about that word—conditional—it strikes a chord deep within me.
Akka lifts a hand. “I’m not saying that it’s true. I’m not saying that their love is actually conditional. I’m just saying that sometimes Ifeellike that. You know, I watched the way they were with you. How happy they were at your graduations, when you got your first job, when you achieved all these wonderful things. They weren’t like that with me when I got my first raise or my first promotion. I mean, I know it’s not the same thing, but their different responses…I couldn’t help but feel like they loved you more because you did all of these things that I couldn’t do. I didn’t handle it well, but I was able to work through a lot of it in therapy. I realized how proud I am of myself, of the things I accomplished.”
“As you should be, Akka. Everything you’ve done, for Ritu, for yourself, it’s incredible. The way you handled everything on your own, I would never have been able to do that. I would never have been able to do what you did. I look up to you. I always have.”
She smiles softly. “Thank you. It’s just…until this moment, I didn’t realize you might have felt the same way. That you may have been so set on achieving and doing all of these things because you were scared of that love going away. And then once you failed for the first time, I don’t know how you felt, but I can imagine it was hard.That you might have been scared not just of what they’d say, but how they might feel toward you.”
It had been hard. That failure had shattered me. It had made me question everything. I’d hidden from my parents, from everyone, because I think deep down, my sister is right. I had been scared of losing their love.
And I think I’d hidden myself from Nikhil for the same reason. I’d been so scared of him seeing past the put-together, confident, high-achieving front I showed the world. With every exposed fracture, every time I let him in, I’d been terrified that his love would vanish. And as he’d retreated, revealing less and less of himself to me, I’d thought that was what was happening. When he didn’t move with me, I’d been sure it was because he decided I wasn’t worth it.
But that’s not true. He told me that wasn’t true.
“I haven’t thought about it in those terms before,” I tell my sister. “But I think…it’s possible. That I was scared of exactly that. I think…I might still be. Not just with them, but with Nikhil too.”
My sister grabs my hand, squeezing it lightly.
“Can I speak plainly?” she asks, and I nod.
