“I know that,” she said. “But mine will.”
Silence descended again, and her words echoed in his head. She’d said them with such finality. Such certainty. He turned to his side, wincing at the feeling of the hard floor beneath his rib cage. He’dthought the pillow and comforter would help, but they didn’t provide as much cushion as he’d hoped.
“You think your parents still love each other?” he asked.
“Yes, they’re…” Meghna laughed. “They’re almost obnoxious about it. Constantly flirting. Hovering around each other. Samir and I used to be so embarrassed.”
“And now?”
“Well, it’s still embarrassing sometimes, but it’s also…sweet. And it’s not just them acting lovey-dovey all the time. I’ve seen them go through hard things. Through loss and grief. And I’ve watched them support each other. Rely on each other to make it through. What they have is real. A real partnership.”
He digested that. He could understand why that sounded appealing, but he couldn’t stop himself from comparing it to the example of marriage he had seen in his parents.
“Do you think your parents love—”
“No,” Karthik interrupted. He let out a harsh exhale. “I don’t think they were ever in love.”
He waited a few seconds, then continued. “My dad wasn’t exactly…present when I was younger. He still isn’t, but…well, you’ve met him.”
“I have.”
“I can’t imagine that my mother ever loved him. Or that he ever loved her, but maybe they did. Once. I don’t know.”
“Were they arranged?”
“They were.”
“Is that why you’re so against getting an arranged marriage?”
“I’m not opposed to getting an arranged marriage. I’m opposed to getting married. Any kind of married.”
“But why? I know your parents’ marriage may not have been…what you want, exactly, but that doesn’t mean you have to write it off completely.”
But it did. How could he explain that it wasn’t the concept ofmarriagethat he necessarily had a problem with? The problem was with him. And his father. He’d neglected Karthik’s mother. Neglected both of them. And during the few moments his father had been home, he had been harsh with them. His temper was so fragile and unpredictable. The smallest comment would make him blow up.
Karthik had sworn he would never be like him. And he had worked to undo his damage. He learned how to make his mother laugh. How to lift her moods. How to listen to her when she needed a friend. But his efforts always seemed to be in vain. She’d smile and seem happy around him, but it all disappeared when his father got home. In his presence, she almost appeared smaller. Softer. Quieter. Like she was shrinking herself down. Karthik had promised he would never do that to anyone. Would never belittle or diminish anyone in that way.
But as he’d gotten older, he’d found himself snapping at people. Blowing up at the slightest thing. And every year, the mirror revealed the growing resemblance between him and his father. It was like he couldn’t help it. No matter what he did, he was slowly morphing into him. Karthik had been desperate to control his temper, but no matter what he tried, he was unable to stop it. And then, one day, he’d blown up at his mother.
Like always, he felt a bitter sense of shame as he remembered that fight.
She’d mentioned the idea of Karthik having an arranged marriage for the first time, and his anger had exploded. Like some pressure valve within him had finally opened. He’d said things he could never take back. Like, how could she want that for him when it had worked out likethisfor her? How could she stay in such a horrible marriage? How could she think he would ever want a marriage like hers? He had apologized almost immediately. Deeply regretted all of it. And she’d quietly accepted. She didn’t bring up the topic of arranged marriage again for years. But the next time she did, he played along, desperate not to wound her again. Even though his feelings about marriage hadn’t changed.
After that, everything had shifted for him. He learned how to bury those feelings of rage. Learned to push them down, further and further, until it became second nature to suppress that anger. To suppress all of it. And he’d known that he could never put himself in a position where he could hurt someone like that again. Never put himself in a position where he might repeat his father’s behavior.
“I’ll never get married,” he told Meghna icily. “You should stop trying to change my mind.”
“I’m not trying to change it. I’m just trying to better understand…” She let out a loud breath. “Never mind. Good night.”
“Good night,” he replied, relieved that she was finally dropping it. He closed his eyes. He was incredibly tired, but something wouldn’t allow him to fall asleep. The minutes passed and he realized he didn’t want to end their conversation on this uncomfortable note. The mattress creaked as she shifted on the bed.
“Are you asleep?” he whispered.
“Not yet,” she said with a sigh.
“How’s your play going?”
She was silent for a moment. “The one I’m writing or the one my students are doing?”
