Cadelyn was surprisingly calm. “Why not?” she asked. “Could it be because you are feeling the same thing?”
He stared at her and his pallor turned an odd shade of pale. Then, he rushed the bed, sitting on it and grasping her hands tightly. His face was very close to hers, his blue eyes intense.
“It does not matter what I feel,” he said in a hushed tone that was wrought with emotion. “Cadie, I never should have done what I did last night. It cannot happen again.”
Cadelyn could see the torment in his eyes. “I never meant to trick you into doing something you did not want to do,” she said. “I will swear to that, Kress. All I wanted to do was kiss you. That was really all. But the way you clutched me when I did… that was of your own accord. That tells me that you are feeling for me what I feel for you.”
He shook his head, lowering his gaze. “I cannot…”
“Deny it. Look me in the eyes and deny it.”
He didn’t say anything. He kept his head down, looking at their hands, intertwined. After a moment, he spoke. “You know I cannot.”
“I know,” she murmured. “Do not fear, Kress. You shall not fail in your duty. You shall deliver me to Ellesmere as you have been ordered to do. I will not make it difficult for you.”
He lifted his head. But the moment he looked at her, his expression seemed to go slack with sorrow.
“But you do not understand,” he muttered. “I am not sure I can take you to Mountain Dark and just… leave.”
It was a surprising thing to say and her brow furrowed. “But that is your mission. You are obeying orders.”
He lowered his gaze again, his features twisting as if he were thinking very hard about everything. Lifting her hands, he kissed her fingers tenderly.
“I know,” he said. “But I am not sure I can leave you behind. I do not think I can leave you at all. I cannot simply walk away from you, Cadie. Not now.”
She pulled one of her hands free and put it on the top of his head. “What do you intend to do?” she asked. “Serve Ellesmere so you can be near me? Kress, you cannot do that and you know it.”
He kept his head down as she gently caressed his head. “I am not a man familiar with emotion,” he said. “I… I am not even sure how to speak of it. All I can tell you is that somethinghas happened that I have no control over. I am not a man accustomed to fear but, at the moment, I have my share of it.”
Cadelyn had to only hear the tone of his voice to know how upset he was and it greatly concerned her. “Why?” she asked softly, urgently. “I am doing what you want me to do. I am letting you deliver me to Ellesmere so your mission will be successful.”
He shook his head. “It is not that,” he said. “Right now, I have come to the unalterable conclusion that I cannot turn you over to another man.”
Cadelyn understood. It was everything she’d wanted to hear since the beginning, but coming to know Kress, and know his sense of honor, and understand how every knight looked up to him with respect, she was coming to see that failure on his part would result in the loss of respect from his colleagues. It would be the loss of everything he’d worked for, as he’d tried to tell her. Now, she was coming to understand. And for the first time in her life, she was thinking of someone other than herself. Aye, she loved him.
But she couldn’t ruin him.
“Kress, listen to me,” she whispered. “I was not going to tell you this, but I will now. I feel as if I must. I am not going to marry Ellesmere.”
He looked at her, a hint of confusion on his face. “What do you mean?”
She put a hand to his rough cheek. “I told you before that I was going to refuse to marry him and then commit myself to the nearest nunnery,” she said. “I meant it. But I will do it after you leave. If you leave me off at The Paladin and do not escort me to Mountain Dark, it will make this much easier. Once you take me into Wales, I fear my plans will be more difficult.”
He grunted at that plan making a resurgence. Letting go of her hands, he stood up from the bed. “It is not a simple thing in any case,” he said. “Do you know what will happen when yourefuse to marry Ellesmere? He will more than likely force you to do it. He has that right, you know. When The Marshal brokered the contract, it gave Ellesmere all rights over you. He can, and probably will, force you.”
“Even if I run away to the nearest church and demand sanctuary?”
“Over what? A betrothal? The church will tell you the same thing– that Ellesmere is, for all intents and purposes, your husband. They will enforce the contract.”
Cadelyn looked at him, struggling against the distress that was clawing at her. She had a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach that was only growing worse.
“I do not want to pull you into my refusal, Kress,” she said, sitting up and swinging her legs over the side of the bed. “I never wanted to marry Ellesmere; you know that. Even before… before what happened between us. My refusal started long before I met you.”
He closed his eyes and turned away, feeling despondency envelop him. “You have no choice,” he said. “But I… I cannot take you to him. I cannot do it.”
She looked at him, realizing the man was somehow giving up or giving in. The strongest knight she had ever seen was surrendering. She blinked away the tears that were threatening.
“What are you saying?” she whispered.
