“I fucked up.”
“Would you care to elaborate?”
I ran my hands over my face, thinking Milo would not bullshit me about this. He’d give it to me straight and he’d also lost his dad to cancer, so he knew firsthand what it was like to be in Jude’s situation. So I gave him a rundown of what was going on.
I expected Milo to interrupt me every two words, or to call me a moron and then yell at me for being a thoughtless prick. To my surprise he just quietly listened until I was done. When I finished talking, he sighed heavily.
“You need to show him he wasn’t wrong to count on you. Jude let you into his life, a verypainfulpart of his life and trusted you had his back.”
I cringed at that, trying to hide from the hard truth. Again, I tried to deflect. “Maybe I’m overreacting. I don’t even know if something happened at the visit.”
Milo’s usual snide self finally came back, and he scoffed at my bullshit. “If everything was fine at the visit, do you think he’d be icing you out and hiding somewhere?”
And that was exactly where I avoided going all day. Something went very wrong on that visit, and whatever it was, Jude had to walk out of there and drive home on his own. Then when he tried to call me, I hung up on him.
“How do I make this better?”
“By showing him where he stands in your life. When I say show him, I mean it, too. You’ve already told him you loved him and wanted to be with him and then went right back to your workaholic ways. So, talking won’t do much. You need to make changes, Nesto, and let him see for himself he’s a priority in your life.”
I had no clue what I was supposed to do, so I just gave him a shaky “okay.”
Milo chuckled sadly at my pitiful answer. “I know you think you know fuck all about how to do that, but you have it in you. There isn’t a better son, brother, or friend than you. You’re a good man; you know how to love right. Just be there for him, make him see how much what you guys have matters to you.”
I sighed. “Thanks, Milo.”
“You’re welcome, pa, I love you.”
After we disconnected, I went to bed thinking about what I would do if I got a chance to make things right with Jude.
Jude
“Stop looking at me like that,” I told Carmen when she kept staring at me over her monitor. After the visit with Mary, I’d gone to Carmen’s house. I didn’t want to see Nesto if he stopped by my place, but I didn’t want to be alone either. This morning, I’d gotten up at five a.m. and driven home without waking her up. I’d needed a change of clothes and to be in my own space before facing the world again.
When I walked into the office with a big smile, acting like everything was totally fine, I knew I’d pushed her right over the edge.
“I’m just worried about you, Jude.”
“I’m fine, Carmen. I’m going to go get some fresh air. I’ll be back in a few.” I walked out of the library, ignoring the concerned look on her face.
I hated myself for feeling the way I did. Discarded and let down. After Nesto hung up on me, I’d just gone to my car and sat there for hours. Eventually Jesse found me and apologized for what happened. He was so angry at Pastor Jones and Amos and frustrated with Mary. I told him I was fine, and he obviously didn’t believe me. He asked why my boyfriend wasn’t with me like usual. I spluttered at that, because I didn’t realize he knew about Nesto. He smiled and said he’d seen us arrive together a couple of times. When I told him Nesto forgot about the visit, the look of pity on his face almost broke me.
There I was, four years later, the same pathetic Jude who was discarded by the people he was foolish enough to love.
Before I drove away, Jesse asked me to stay in touch and promised to send me updates about Mary. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him or the kids again. I knew I’d probably never see Mary again. I’d headed to Ithaca feeling like a husk.
Now hours and hours later, I still felt numb. I couldn’t even cry.
It had all dried up.
The truth was, deep down I suspected things with Mary would end up like they did. But I’d gone to see her anyway, because in the back of my mind I was counting on Nesto to help me through it. I let myself rely on him, and in the end, he couldn’t make me a priority.
And whose fault was that?
Mine.
I knew I was being unfair, that he had no way of knowing the visit he flaked out on would be the one where my family managed to emotionally eviscerate me again. But I knew better than to let myself rely on what I felt. People who loved you could hurt you. If you opened yourself up to love, you opened yourself to pain and disappointment. I’d let my guard down once more and was in that old familiar place again.
I got to a small park in the middle of downtown, which was usually empty this early in the day, and sat down on a bench. It wasn’t even eight yet, so there was only one other person in the whole place. I looked over at the little church on the edge of the park, trying to put off the call I had to make. After a minute, I pulled out my phone and called Nesto.
