I was surprised that I could still be stunned by his words. It was like I felt everything, and nothing in that moment. I felt the humiliation of being with people who truly believed they were saving me from myself. I felt pity for my sister and me and how this last chance we’d had for some closure would go to waste. I felt rage toward men like Pastor Jones, who spent their life spewing hate and still felt entitled to tell the rest of us how wretched we were.
Most of all, though, I felt scared, because for a moment I wanted to do it. If I could just say this now and let my sister have this. Let her die in peace knowing I would not burn in the hell she was certain I was condemned to. But then I reminded myself I’d been through too much to betray myself like this, even for Mary.
I took her hand and I kissed her palm. In a strangled voice, my eyes full of tears, I shook my head and said, “I can’t, Mary. And what’s more, I don’t believe I have to. There’s nothing wrong with who I am or how I live. I can’t say something I don’t believe is true.” Pastor Jones rumbled from the side, but I held up my hand to stop him from saying whatever he was going to say.
Mary looked away for a moment and then turned her face back toward me. “Jude, I’ve appreciated your visits, and I hope you know how much I love you, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come back. I fear seeing you may weaken my resolve, and I’m concerned for the state of my own soul. I can’t condone your lifestyle, and I’m afraid I may be tempted to if you keep coming to see me.”
I knew it was coming, and still it felt like a punch to the gut. Shame filled every cell in my body. I nodded, unable to talk, and after squeezing her hand one more time, I stood up.
“I’m sorry, Mary. I love you.”
I didn’t bother even looking at Pastor Jones as I walked out of the room. As I got to the end of the hallway I felt like my body was floating. The humiliation and hurt churning in my body like sludge. I saw a restroom down the hall and I hurried inside. I went into a stall and just sat there, my eyes dry. I don’t know how long I stayed there, but after a while I got up and splashed some cold water on my face.
When I walked out of the bathroom I saw Amos heading toward me. I was about to turn the other way, but he grabbed my arm and pushed me against the wall. “I don’t care what you told Mary in there. You will never be welcome into this family again. You’re an embarrassment, coming into this hospital holding hands with that man. You’re disgusting.” I pushed his hand away, trying to control the tremors in my body, shaking from sorrow and anger.
“Let go of me, Amos. You don’t get to treat me like this again. I don’t care what you think of me.” I gasped, trying to keep my composure. “I just told Mary the same thing I told all of you four years ago. I won’t apologize for who I am.”
With that I started down the hall without looking back. I was all right. I had been on my own for a long time, I didn’t need redemption and I didn’t need forgiveness. I got on the elevator, telling myself I would be fine over and over again. As I stepped out into the lobby I wished Nesto was waiting for me outside the elevator like he usually did. I stopped and pulled out my phone to call him, the need to talk with him so strong my hands shook.
It was almost two and I hoped he was out of his meeting by now. I dialed his number and sagged with relief when he picked up after two rings, but before I could say a word he cut me off.“Hey, I can’t talk right now. I’ve got something important going on. I’ll call you later okay?”
With that, he disconnected the call.
I stood there holding the phone to my ear with no one on the other end for a long moment. Then I snapped out of my daze and started for my car.
I should have learned my lesson a long time ago, but I never did.
Nesto
It was really happening.
OuNYe was going to be a brick-and-mortar restaurant. The space I’d just walked through with Harold was perfect. It was an old showroom space lined with floor to ceiling windows, so people walking on the busy street in downtown Ithaca could see what was happening inside. Harold had called in one of the architects he worked with for the meeting, and the three of us brainstormed for hours about what we would do to the space.
We talked about building booths along the back and side walls and have the bar just as you came in. On the walls we’d have massive full color photographs of the islands. We’d have eat-in on one side, and take-out service in a separate area that would replicate the way OuNYe served out of the truck. The truck would stay open, of course. I’d already been approached by Cornell, asking if I could setup there during the academic year, and during the summer there was the Farmers’ Market. Things were looking pretty damn good for OuNYe’s future in Ithaca.
As I walked to my car, I processed the meeting I’d just left. In the end Ithaca had been a risk that paid off. Then there was Jude. Things had been hectic for the last few weeks, because I’d been working my ass off to get everything with the businesson track. I was so close to being able to tell him I had a solid foundation for us to build on.
I remembered he’d called about half an hour ago when we were finishing up with the architect. As I walked back to my car, I pulled out my phone to call him back when I saw I had like ten notifications. A few missed calls, texts, and voicemails. I looked at the time and saw that it was past two-thirty. Shit, I was with Harold for more than four hours. I stopped at a corner so I could listen to the voicemail from Jude when a call from my mom came in.
“Hey, Mamí, I have awesome news.”
“That’s great, m’ijo, I was just calling to ask if you guys are on the road coming back already. How did it go?”
For a second I had no idea what she was talking about and then my heart sank. Shit, I was supposed to meet Jude to go to the hospital today. That was why he called, and I didn’t even let him talk. Just barked that I’d call later and hung up on him.
Oh shit, this was his last visit before Mary went to hospice.
“Nesto, are you there?”
“Mamí, se me olvido. I totally forgot about the visit. I was at a meeting with Harold. Let me let you go; I have to call to see if he’s still waiting for me.”
“Ernesto.” Her voice was full of disappointment. “Pero, m’ijo, it’s almost three?—”
“Mamí! I gotta go.”
I ended the call and tapped my phone so I could listen to Jude’s voicemail. Guilt flooded my chest as I played the message. It was Jude letting me know he was going to drive on his own. To anyone else he would have sounded like he was totally fine, but I could hear the flatness in his voice.
Dammit.
