Suddenly Mary turned to me.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me you how you felt, Jude? I could’ve helped you.” She looked earnest and hurt. I didn’t answer, knowing Mary wasn’t done. “I could’ve prayed with you, or gone to Pastor Jones, talked about it with him, found a way to fix it.”
There it was.
Fix it.
Fix me.
I was surprised to realize it was not so much hurt I felt, just weariness.
I exhaled. “Mary, there was nothing to fix. Thereisnothing to fix. I didn’t say anything because I needed time to figure things out, and I was scared of what would happen once I said it.” I laughed sadly, thinking of all those years I spent living in agony. “I waited so long to say something because I wanted more time with all of you. Do you know, I knew I was gay by the time I was eight or nine? I was certain of it, and I prayed, and begged God to take it away, but it didn’t go away. So, I put it off as long as I could. Tried to learn to love myself enough the way I was, so no matter what happened after I told, I could go on.”
She’d put her hand on my forearm as she spoke, and when I finished she tightened it for a second before letting go. “I can’t go against what I believe, Jude. No matter how much I love you, and I do love you, little brother.”
“I’m not asking you to, Mary. I don’t need you to accept anything. I’m here for you, to see you. If you want me here, I’ll stay; if you don’t, I’ll go.”
“No, don’t go.” Her voice gained an urgency then and she moved around, pulling out a book from under her pillow. I smiled at that because she’d been the one to start me on the habit of waking up and falling asleep with a book. I always had one, or my e-reader, tangled in my sheets. I learned that from Mary.
“Will you read to me?” Her conspiratorial tone finally brought back the older sister I remembered. I looked at the cover of the book she handed me, a grin blooming on my face.Love in the Time of Choleraby Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Mary had only ever been irreverent in one thing, books. She read everything, whether it was allowed or not by our church. If it was good, she devoured it.
“Do you have a page marked?”
She shook her head, then adjusted herself on the bed. “Start from the beginning.” She leaned back on her pillow, a serene look coming over her face.
I opened the book to the first page, cleared my throat and read the first line.
It was inevitable: the scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of unrequited love.
A happy sigh escaped Mary’s lips as I began to read to her.
I stayed long enough to finish the first few chapters, and for one hour we were the old Jude and Mary. Too engrossed in a good story and beautiful writing to let the outside world concern us. Mary had fallen asleep while I read, so I was sitting, watching her rest when Jesse came in. He touched my shoulder and gestured for me join him outside. With one last look at my sister, I walked out of the room, leaving her to her nap.
When I came out to the hall, Jesse surprised me by giving me a hug. “It’s good to see you, Jude. Thanks for coming, how did it go?”
Jesse looked older, too, still tall and strong, but his face was gaunt from exhaustion.
“It’s good to see you, too. Where did all your hair go?” I teased, immediately going back to the easiness I’d always felt around Jesse.
He smiled, running his hand over his bare head. “It started thinning so I shaved it all off, it’s easier. Mary says it’s because I’m too vain to walk around with a bald spot.” He grinned for a moment and then a dark cloud passed over his face.
I squeezed his shoulder again. “Thanks for letting me come. We had a good visit.” I shrugged, thinking of our conversationbefore she got the book. “Mary said her piece as she usually does, but then she saved us both by pulling a book from under her pillow.”
He laughed. “She has to have her say, doesn’t she? I’m glad she remembered the book. She asked for it special, so you could read it to her.” His expression changed again; this time regret filled his eyes. “There isn’t a week that goes by without her mentioning how much she misses talking books with you. She says you’re the only one who could keep up with her in the reading department.”
I smiled sadly at his words. “I miss talking books with her, too.” I looked at Jesse and saw how tired he was and wondered how much help he was getting from my family. Mary had always been the one to rally the troops. Would they step up for her now?
“Jesse, would it be okay for me to come back and visit? I’m not sure how long you’ll be here, but I’d like to come again before you guys head home. I’m not sure I’ll be able to go see her there.”
He shook his head, and my heart sank. “We’re not going back home, Jude. The doctor just told us this morning, there’s not much more they can do other than manage the pain. She’s being transferred to Syracuse at the end of the week, and from there a hospice when she gets closer.” He ran his hand over his mouth like he was trying to hold back a sob. “It’s summer, so the kids are still out of school. My folks are in Syracuse. They’ll watch them for us.”
“I’m so sorry, Jesse,” I choked out, my eyes brimming with tears.
He covered his face with his hands, his voice muffled when he spoke again. “You’re welcome to come and see her once we’re settled there.”
I nodded. “Syracuse is only an hour away from Ithaca. I can come anytime. Just let me know when it’s convenient for me to stop by. And if there’s anything you need, please let me know.”
“Thank you, for everything. It had to be hard to come here, but I knew she’d be happy to see you.”
