I can’t believe it’s been a year since I lost them.
When I think back over the past twelve months, I don’t remember much. It’s as if time has gone by too fast and super slow all at once.
Some days are a blur, and then there are moments where the trauma is too much to handle. Unbearable grief digs its claws deeper into my soul and drags me down into a pit of despair.
It feels like I’m dying a slow and agonizing death. I haven’t cried since Jordan initially told me our parents and Sage were killed.
The sound of a phone ringing gets through to me and pulls me out of my morbid thoughts. I glance around the cemetery, and realizing it’s my phone, I dig the device out of my pocket.
Jordan’s name shows on the screen, and for a moment, I hesitate before answering, “Hey.”
“I’m at your house. Where are you?”
Crap, I only expected him this afternoon. I climb to my feet and dust off my backside while I keep looking at Mom, Dad, and Sage’s final resting place.
“Sorry, I felt like taking a walk. I’m at the cemetery.”
“I thought we were going together,” Jordan grumbles. “I’m coming. Wait there for me.”
I end the call and exhale a heavy breath. I thought I could visit on my own this morning before coming again later with Jordan.
Jordan will lose his shit if he finds out I spend every morning here. The mere thought of skipping a day always makes me spiral until I’m overcome by a severe panic attack. I just can’t bring myself to let go of them.
I lose track of time as I stare at the words carved into the granite headstones.
A hand falls on my shoulder, making my body jerk. When my head snaps to the side and I see Jordan, I relax.
“You can’t stand here so deep in thought. I could’ve been some random person,” he chastises me, an angry expression on his face. “Why didn’t you wait for me?”
“I’m sorry,” I mumble half-heartedly.
When Jordan keeps staring at me, I take a deep breath before meeting his upset gaze.
“It’s been a year, Kelcie. I’ve tried to be patient, but this has gone on long enough. I want you to move to Naperville. The guest room is ready for you.” Looking at the three graves again, I shake my head while Jordan keeps talking. “Goddamn it, you can’t stay here. We have to sell the house.”
“No!” My breaths begin to speed up so fast, and before I know it, a panic attack hits hard. “No,” I whimper while desperately trying to get air into my lungs.
“Shit. It’s okay,” Jordan says, his tone no longer angry but instead filled with worry. He takes hold of my shoulders and leans down until we’re eye level with each other. “Hold your breath for five ... four ...three ... two ... one.” I try my best to focus on my brother while doing the exercise Dr. Swafford gave me for moments like this.
I have medication to help, but I forgot it at home.
It takes a little too long, but when my breathing finally begins to return to normal, Jordan pulls me into a hug and brushes his hand up and down my back. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I just want you out of this damn town and living with me, where I know you’ll be safe. Staying in that shitty rental that isn’t even properly decorated is stupid. I never should’ve let you move back here.”
During the first three months after the attack, I stayed with Jordan, Natalie, and Brady, but I could see my mental state, nightmares, and panic attacks were taking a toll on them, so I came back to Verona. It led to the biggest fight Jordan and I have ever had.
I can’t bring myself to go into my parents’ house, so I haven’t been to my workshop either. I’ve put a notice on my website that I’m not taking orders. The interest I receive from my share of the inheritance Jordan helped me to invest is enough for me to live on. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about money while I try to pick up the pieces of my destroyed life.
If that’s even possible.
Instead of going home, I moved in across the street from Colby’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Adams, because Colby told me the house was available. It’s a fixer-upper, and I thought the work would keep me busy. But I keep postponing things because I just can’t gather enough strength to get started with the repairs.
Not long after I moved in, the Richardsons, my neighbors on my left, sold their house and left Verona. Sometimes I think it’s because they didn’t want to live next to a woman who screams her head off every other day when she’s woken by nightmares.
At first, my neighbors came to check if I was okay, but when they realized it was just bad dreams, they stopped coming over.
It only took a couple of months for the Richardsons’ house to sell, and I got a new neighbor who keeps to himself and doesn’t seembothered by me. I haven’t even seen the man up close, which suits me just fine.
My other neighbors, Jill and her daughter, Holly, are amazing. From what I understand, she’s a single mother and not interested in dating after she lost her boyfriend in a car accident a month before Holly was born.
