If not for my chat with Zoe after I’d walked home from Lily’s earlier, I’d have been completely in the dark at this stage. Add in the sage advice from my mom, and I know what I’m doing.
Well, not exactly, but as much as I could hope for in a situation like this.
As surprising as my daughter’s confession that she’d told Lily she wanted a baby sister, was my mom being fully on-board with the idea of adoption. According to her, “There are too many babies in this world not being properly cared for”.
And this without her even having met Lily. Her, “If you love her, then so do I,” had floored me, with me only recently admitting to myself that’s what I felt for Lily.
And yet it’s now beyond doubt, even if it’s still early days.
However, my confidence comes unstuck when Lily earnestly tells me that ‘she’ looks like a lovely lady. It takes a second for me to realize who it is that she’s talking about, with my responding laughter purely down to relief
As I kneel in front of her, I know the only way I’ll discover if Lily feels the same way about me as I do her, is if I come right out and say it.
“Lily, I love you.” This is as far as I get, my mouth now as dry as the outer suburbs of Las Vegas. Only by clearing my throat, am I able to continue. It’s an action that has my throat as raw as my emotions.
“Zoe told me what she said about her birthday wish, and we had a long talk.”
It had been one that left my daughter surprised, with her thinking every woman could be a mommy. She’d then said something that left me the one surprised.
“If I can’t have a little sister, can I have a mommy?” She’d then looked up at me, her eyes bright with tears, and whispered, “Can we have Lily?”
Unable to speak, I’d simply nodded.
I’m no longer sure of the promise I’d made to my daughter, with Lily’s silence leaving me in doubt. “Lily?” Her silence is worrying, and she’s back to looking at her lap, in a move designed to avoid eye contact.
How could I have gotten it so wrong?
“I… I can’t…”
Her then running out of words has me rocking back on my heels and wondering what it is she can’t do. Love me? Have kids? Commit? What?
“I can’t have babies, you know that. I can’t deny Zoe a little sister. Losing my own nearly destroyed me when I was a kid.”
Ah, so here’s the rub. Relief floods me.
“Lily, I know it’s early days, but Zoe has already said she’s happy with us adopting, although only if she gets to help choose.” I’m unable to stop a snort of laughter at the memory of that request.
“I tried explaining that it wasn’t like getting a new puppy or a kitten, but she didn’t want to hear about it.”
When I’d left for Lily’s, my daughter was busy drawing a picture of her ideal little sister. I can’t wait to see what the adoption people think when we turn up, slap that down on the counter, and say, “We’ll have one of these, please.”
Lost in my thoughts, it takes a second to realize Lily is looking at me teary-eyed, but more promising is the wobbly smile that’s forming. Then, just as she’d done when I’d opened the car door after her accident, she throws herself into my arms. Instinctively, I grab hold of her, determined never to let go.
In between kissing her hair, I tell her how it’s been. “I’ve missed you so much, Lily. I’ve missed our mornings. Our breakfasts together.”
I don’t progress any further with my list, more interested in pure love than making love, although I know that will change.
Our physical connection was one of the strongest I’d ever experienced.
It’s Lily who instigates our kiss, her tongue exploring my mouth as if for the first time. And I get why she’s being tentative. With me having declared my love for her, it’s as if we’re starting over.
The only thing I’m unsure of is whether she feels the same way as I do. While I long for a proper family as much as my daughter, it still has to be right. Much as it devastated Lily to lose her little sister so young, the same would be true for Zoe if Lily and I got together, only to break up.
Hadn’t this been what had held me back from committing to a relationship in all these years? Or was it I’d never found someone who I’d risk it all for?
It’s this that has me gently breaking our embrace. If I’m to get the words out, I need some distance to allow myself to think straight. It’s at this point I don’t realize how I’m supposed to go about it. My saying let’s be friends would surely kill off any connection we’ve got. And anyway, that’s the last thing I want. This has me thinking back to how we’d met, our introduction unorthodox in the extreme.
A moment later and I’m on my feet and gently pulling Lily to hers. I follow this up by executing a courtly bow. “Hello, I’m Tyler Vance, single dad, and a bit of a bad boy in my youth. I’m a supervisor at Lucky Break Construction.”
