Page 36 of The Song We Lost

I swallow the bile rising in my throat.

“Fine,” I say, because the word is easier than the truth.

Dave smiles. “That’s my guy.”

My world feels like it's spinning. I blink again, trying to push past the ache in my chest, my past mistakes and focus on Noah.

“What day is it?” I repeat, louder now, because the panic is rising.

Noah steps closer, and I see it, how exhausted he looks. How wrecked.

“How many days did you lose?” he asks.

My stomach twists.

My head spins.... I clamp my eyes shut and take a deep breath.

I blink again and I am backstage… it’s a blur of bodies and heat and sound. Hands clap my back. Drinks appear in my handlike magic. Someone presses a shot into my palm and I take it without thinking, the burn a clean line down my throat.

I tell myself it’s to calm my nerves and not to quiet my guilt. I tell myself I deserve one night where I don’t feel like I’m failing. I don’t let myself think about Bailey in a barn surrounded by wildflowers and twinkling lights, or Sadie walking down an aisle without me there to see it.

A band member, someone I’ve known for years but never reallyknown, leans in close, breath reeking of whiskey.

“You look tense,” he says, like it’s funny.

“I’m fine.”

He smirks, pulling something small from his pocket.

“Here,” he says. “This’ll take the edge off. Everybody does it. Not a big deal.”

My stomach tightens.

I should say no.

I should say no like Bailey would want me to.

I should say no like Noah would demand.

But my chest feels like it’s full of broken glass and my thoughts won’t stop looping.

I can still fix it. Bailey will understand.

I take the pill.

It dissolves under my tongue and the relief comes fast. Too fast. The guilt blurs at the edges. The noise gets softer as my body loosens, and when someone offers me another drink, I take it. When someone offers me another pill, I take it. Because now I’ve started, and stopping would mean feeling everything again.

A voice pulls me from the moment, from the memory and I feel like I am floating and falling all at once.

"Luke... what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you on something?"

I groan and push the heel of my palms into my eyes.

"I...."

Fuck.

I am falling…