Page 197 of The Song We Lost

“The drinking started because I hated myself,” I admitted quietly. “And once I realized how badly I was hurting you… I couldn’t sit with it.”

I swallowed hard.

“So instead of fixing it… I numbed it.”

Her chest shook visibly now.

“I started acting like someone I didn’t even recognize because pretending to be that guy hurt less than admitting I was destroying my marriage.” The tears burned harder behind my eyes. “And the worst part?” I laughed once without humor. “You kept loving me anyway.”

Bailey physically folded in on herself at that.

“Do you know what my therapist asked me?” I said softly.

She shook her head.

“He asked me… if loving you felt that good, then why did I throw it away.”

The silence afterward felt enormous.

“And I realized…” My voice cracked harder now. “I never actually believed someone like you could love someone like me forever.”

Bailey stared at me like I’d just shattered something inside her. “Luke…”

“I know,” I whispered quickly. “I know how fucked up that sounds now. I know you never made me feel that way. That wasme. That was my own shit. My own insecurity. My own fear.” I stepped closer carefully. “You spent years trying to hand me love and I kept acting like I had to earn it first.”

A sob broke loose from Bailey before she covered her mouth quickly. “I waited for you,” she whispered brokenly. “For years.”

I closed my eyes briefly because hearing that out loud nearly destroyed me. “I know.”

“You were my home.”

I felt tears spill down my face. “I know,” I whispered again.

For a long moment neither of us moved.

Then Bailey asked quietly, “So what changed?”

I looked at her honestly. “I broke.” The words hung between us. “I hit what I thought was rock bottom. Then rehab and therapy stripped everything away,” I admitted. “The ego. The noise. The excuses. All I had left was the truth.” I wiped at my face roughly. “And the truth was that I didn’t actually care about any of the shit I was chasing if it cost me you.”

Bailey’s expression crumbled slowly.

“I loved playing music,” I said softly. “But somewhere along the way I started treating success like survival. Like a necessity…” I shook my head. “But you…” My voice lowered. “You were always the dream. My dream…”

Her eyes shut hard.

“And Sadie…” I swallowed against the grief rising. “Sadie made me promise that when you broke… I’d be there.”

Bailey started crying harder.

“I’m not asking you to forgive me today,” I said quickly. “Or tomorrow. Or even at all if you can’t.” I took a shaky breath. “But I need you to know I finally understand what I did to you.”

We stood there, standing in the ruins of our childhood. In the ruins of our beginning. I held my breath waiting for what she would say next.

“What if I can’t trust this version of you yet?”

I nodded immediately. “That’s fair.”

Her eyes searched mine desperately. “What if this changes again? What if you wake up six months from now and disappear all over again?”