Page 173 of The Song We Lost

When I needed space, I made my way to our empty house and found the fire going just enough to keep the kitchen warm and my tea pot full and hot. The tears fell then. I knew exactly who did this for me and I had no idea how to handle any of this or him or what came next.

I finally got myself together and decided to go check on Cole and Iris, when I walked out on the front porch Luke was leaning against the railing, quietly waiting for me. Without thought I walked up beside him, he lifted an arm and I slid in beside him like we'd done countless times.

I had no idea what to say to him, I felt bad knowing we had the divorce hanging over us and he was here quietly supporting me, being there in every way that mattered. But I had been grieving for a lot longer than two days and the sharp edges hurt.

I wanted to hate him, to yell and scream, to take out everything I was feeling on him right now, but that wouldn’t befair. Even in my numb grieving fog I knew losing Sadie wasn’t his fault and he was feeling her loss too.

We stood in silence for a while before Thomas came out of Cole’s house looking for me.

The days blurred like that, people paying their respect, caring for Iris as Luke cared for me and feeling the ragged edges of my grief sinking its teeth further and further into me.

chapter 45

luke

. . .

Five days after Sadie left us, I found Bailey outside of Iris’s room. She had been going through the motions and disappearing to our house whenever it got to be too much. I knew she hadn’t processed losing Sadie, I watched her shut it all down after we got the news and rushed over to the house to help care for Iris, while Bailey was there for Cole. It felt weird waiting for someone to break, but I knew it was coming and I wanted to be here for her when she needed me.

I had two virtual sessions with my therapist in the days since we lost Sadie and a plan to see him in person when I felt like I could leave.

I stood in the hall for a few minutes watching her, even in her pain she was the most beautiful person I had ever met. I had been beating myself over where our relationship was right now, how I felt like if I hadn’t fucked everything up that I would be in a better place to help her, comfort her. My therapist reminded me I couldn’t change the past but I could be here for her in any way she let me and that when the time came I needed to have an open and honest conversation about what happened and that I still saw a future with her.

Until then I would wait. I would wait forever for her.

Like she sensed me, Bailey stood from the doorframe and looked over her shoulder at me, her big golden eyes were glassy and red rimmed. It took everything in me to stay put, and not wrap her in my arms. But she needed to be the one to decidewhat she wanted, I didn’t want to take any more from her. So I waved her over, gestured with my head for her to follow and walked down the hallway to the open living area. My mom was already in the kitchen, baking and cooking, making sure everyone was fed and feeling connected by making some of the recipes she used to make with Sadie all the time.

Jackson and Rhett had left two days ago and Rachel left late last night saying she'd be back soon but she had assholes to deal with.

After a few minutes I heard Bailey’s unusually heavy footsteps coming behind me. I turned and noticed she had put on my sweater and pulled her hair up in a messy knot. I wanted to offer to swap out my sweater or at least wash it for her but I didn’t want to burst whatever it was she felt by having it with her all the time. Bailey kept a cautious distance between us so I took a step closer to her. I cleared my throat that suddenly felt blocked and asked, “Can you come with me, I want to show you something.”

Bailey instantly shook her head,no, an almost panicked look taking over her beautiful features, “I can’t just go, Luke.”

“Bai…” But they cut me off, “What if Cole wakes up and needs me or Iris…” She trailed off looking behind her down the hallway. Cole had been sleeping in the nursery with Iris, avoiding his room entirely.

“Mom is here and Dad and Noah will be by after they are done…”

Tears started to drop down her cheeks as she shook her head furiously, like the idea of leaving this house with me terrified her. I took a step closer and Bailey’s big eyes were looking up at me, almost pleading with me. I tentatively reached out one hand grabbing hers and stroking it with my thumb while I gave her a little tug saying, “Come with me please, I need to show you something.”

She looked behind her again and then back at me, her lower lip trembling. So I stepped in closer, pulling her the rest of the way to me and said, “It’s what Sadie wanted.”

Her golden eyes went wide as she swallowed hard and then after whipping the tears from her cheeks nodded her head in a‘yes’.

I left Bailey to get herself ready to go outside and peaked in on my mom, giving a kiss to her forehead and letting her know we would be stepping out of the house for a little bit but would still be on the property.

I wasn’t sure how Bailey was going to react with what I was going to show her, but I needed to do it. It was the last thing Sadie asked of me and I believed even if it didn’t help Bailey now, it would eventually.

Late winter to early spring was still a mix up of weather in this range, I had walked the path and ensured it was safe for Bailey to come up with me today. Eventually I wanted to build a proper path so that anyone could come up here in the future. But today was for Bailey.

We made our way in silence, every once in a while I would catch her looking up at me in question, in response I would squeeze her hand and rub my thumb along her hand to reassure her.

We finally got to the clearing and I let Bailey’s hand go. Not that I wanted to, but I wanted her to explore this area and give her the space I knew she would need.

Bailey walked right up to the giant tree at the edge of the clearing and then looked over the view.

“What is this Luke?”

I let her take in the space, before answering. But she added, “You said this is what Sadie wanted… you… wait…”