Page 172 of The Song We Lost

Around all of us.

“And there will come a time

When you ask about her life

Or the way she used to smile”

And when I looked toward my sister… She was crying quietly against Cole’s shoulder. Smiling through every tear. Like she already knew this moment would matter...

The thought hit so hard I almost folded in on myself, but then Luke’s eyes found mine across the fire as he continued to sing his song for Iris.

“So when rain falls and the sky breaks wide

And colours bloom across the night

That’s your mama reaching through

Painting little pieces of her into you”

And for one impossible, painful second…

It felt like we were all still whole.

chapter 44

bailey

. . .

Ifell asleep with a smile on my face and woke up for the first time in… I don’t know how long, with hope in my heart. I smiled and contemplated going back to sleep, my hair smelled of campfire, but the sweater I fell asleep with still smelled like him. I felt like a child clinging to my only source of safety, but I didn’t care. I haven’t felt comforted in a long time.

Hearing Iris fussing, I decided to get up and see if Cole needed any help with her this morning. Everyone was up late last night, enjoying the good company and music.

After brushing my teeth I could still hear Iris crying down the hall from me, her room situated between mine and Cole and Sadie’s. So I make my way to her, humming the melody to the song Luke wrote for Iris. Going through her normal morning routine, I was surprised that neither Cole nor Sadie had come to check on her yet. So after getting Iris changed, I made my way to their room to let them know that I had her and was going to get her a bottle. When I got to their room the door was cracked open slightly,maybe they heard me get up with her and knew I would bring her to them?

Kissing the top of Iris’s tiny head I knocked softly and stepped in the room but then stopped abruptly when my eyes found Cole on his knees at the side of their bed.

My brain wasn’t catching up fast enough until my eyes trailed to an unmoving Sadie and then back to Cole whose shoulders were shaking, his forehead pressed to Sadie's hand.

I sucked in a breath, closed my eyes for a moment knowing I needed to keep it together, I needed to feed Iris, I…

Without saying a word I stepped back out of the room, stopping to grab my phone on the way to the kitchen. Moving on autopilot, I messaged Rose and then went through the steps of getting Iris her bottle ready.

I was swaying on my feet, humming her song, feeding Iris and watching the sun rise over our property when the door opened. Without a word Rose came up to me, her face already tear streaked, but I just feltnumb. So I passed her Iris and turned. At the doorway stood Luke, Noah and Thomas. Seeing them almost broke me, they were all watching me with so much sorrow and grief on their faces. But I couldn’t break, Cole needed me, Iris needed…

I took a deep breath and then moved my way past them without saying a word, the hallway feeling incredibly long and yet somehow not long enough to prepare me to face what was waiting in that room.

Pausing at the door one last time, I closed my eyes and pictured Sadie in the firelight, her singing along with Jackson and Rhett to our songs. I pictured her in the ocean with me, the sun glowing behind her lighting her up like an angel. I pictured us together in a blanket fort in our trailer after our parents died and then again when we laid together and I got to feel Iris move for the first time. Then I opened my eyes and stepped into the room, into the truth I didn’t want to accept and kneeled beside Cole and grieved my big sister, my home… my person.

As the hours passed doctors were called, arrangements were made and Iris was cared for as if her whole world hadn’t changed.

Hours turned into days and the property was never quiet, neighbours and people who knew us growing up came around to pay their respect. The label called to share their condolences, butI knew that wasn’t all they called for because I heard Rachel in the room she was staying in afterwards telling them exactly what she thought of them.

Rhett and Jackson kept everything moving like they were part of the family, they drew people away and kept people’s attention when I didn’t want it.

Through it all Luke was a quiet constant. He never once asked what I needed, we rarely spoke, but a glass of water would show up, or a plate of food when I would hide away with Iris tucked protectively against me. Like holding her close could keep all the hurt away. On the second day I noticed he was doing the same thing for Cole too. Luke moved around their house making sure Cole and I were cared for, so that we could focus on Iris… and on our grief.

But this grief wasn’t familiar, it had sharper edges than I knew how to deal with. This grief felt ugly and I didn’t know how to handle that.