“Just because the connection was faked, doesn’t mean the emotions they experienced were. Imagine one moment you feel a depth of love for someone that you can’t begin to explain. You notice their smell, what their body language means, what they love, what they hate, how their laugh sounds, then the next, nothing. You look at this person and feel the ghost of what had embedded itself in your heart, but now it’s just…gone. Even those who were not compatible experienced this loss. They feltwhat it would be like to be loved beyond measure, then it was taken away from them.”
Oh gods. My heart.
The thought of losing my men like that tears across my chest and steals the air from my lungs.
That literally would be like if somehow, someway, my slivers of soul snapped out of them and back into me.
I’d feel like a shell…
“Shit. That’s why they all seemed so deprived of life. The love they had was literally sucked out of them.”
He nods.
“I did everything I could to help them behind her back. When she found out, she sent me to Hellveilious. Said since I cared so much about helping people work through their problems, I could help her son with his issues.”
My fists clench into balls.
“He doesn’t have issues.”
“No, he doesn’t, but she doesn’t and won’t ever see it that way. I can’t promise you or them this is true, but I believe her obsession with forming these connections stemmed from them. I think she tried to forge a connection with them that would never take because his power kept killing it off.”
My mouth gapes open and a surprised puff of breath rips out of me.
“Holy shit, that would make a lot of sense.”
“I think that’s why she trapped them in her house and suppressed their power. Once they announced they were getting out of the agreement, she knew her time to figure this out was over.”
I’m at a loss for words and my head shakes in disbelief. Granted, I believe every one of his assumptions. It makes complete sense.
“Sometimes I really hate my power,” he whispers, and I slowly turn my face to his. “Although I know in my heart I’ve done good for people, the many times I failed others eat me alive.”
“I can’t imagine the weight you carry knowing the things you know about people.”
He shakes his head.
“I don’t carry the trauma of others. My power doesn’t allow that. I absorb what comes off of people, then it’s gone. There’s no judgment on my part, no holding on to it, or fixating on it later. The weight I carry is my own. My power doesn’t affect my own emotions. It can make them rawer, blunter, but that’s the extent of its help. It really isn’t help. It makes it very hard to express myself in the way I actually mean to.”
“So who do you talk to about your feelings?” I ask.
He laughs. Not in a funny way.
“No one.”
“Not even Yemi?”
“Especially not Yemi. I’m trying to get her to fall in love with me, not scare her away.”
Aww. That’s so freaking sweet.
“Why would you think you’re going to scare her away? She’s waiting for you to open up a little bit.”
“What sucks is I know that. Very well.” He sighs. “I’m no different than you or anyone else, though, Thayla. Sometimes, depending on the topic, it’s easier to talk to an outside source. It eliminates the barrier embarrassment brings, like when you’re confiding in someone you want to impress or not disappoint.
“With Yemi, and I imagine with you and your Valtrue, there’s always going to be that layer. We care what they think. We care how they see us. Even when they tell us it won’t change anything, part of us is still going to measure our words. Hold pieces back. Soften the edges. So will they in return.”
I grunt my agreement and stare down at the ground. I can’t even attempt to lie to myself and say I don’t do that. Embarrassment and shame have always plagued me anytime I open up, and those feelings definitely keep me from being completely raw in some conversations.
“Well,” I say, clearing my throat. “I’m here if you want to talk. I’d never tell you anything Yemi told me, but I would listen and give you a little nudge in the right direction.”
