He tightens his lips and looks over his shoulder at her. “She didn’t seem to blame us.”
“She doesn’t blame us. She doesn’t blame herself, thankfully. She’s much quicker to do that than place the blame on anyone else. Even when others deserve it.”
“That sounds like there’s a deeper meaning to that statement than just today.”
“There is, but she’s not ready to acknowledge it. She has to, though.”
“What are you talking about?”
I shake my head and cut my eyes over at him. “Are you going to tell me what it is you know but haven’t shared yet?”
He holds my stare before hanging his head. “No. It’s not that it’s anything crazy or anything that will affect us. Just a hunch, really. I don’t want to say anything in case it’s my desire clouding the truth.”
“You do like to romanticize things.”
He chuffs. “I don’t romanticize anything. I attempt to look for the good, something to cherish. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“No, there isn’t. I’m not trying to tease. I think it’s one of your best qualities. You have an incredible ability to pull us out of really dark places.”
“So do you, in your own way. Like planning like a madman for all of us, and that’s why I’m so worried about the way you’re acting right now. I was expecting you to jump into full-on Guider mode, unleash all your knowledge on us, and break our power free. I don’t understand what’s got you so…down.”
I exhale sharply, close the book, and push it to the side.
My gaze cuts behind me to our amazing Binder, who has zero idea how truly amazing she is.
“I couldn’t find a way for myself to release the power from the Binding.”
His mouth falls open as he looks down at the book, then back up at me. “You’ve read that thing a million times. How was there no answer in there, telling you how to get the power out?”
“I didn’t say it didn’t give me an answer. I said I couldn’t find a way for myself.”
His eyebrows draw down as confusion covers his face.
“When she wakes up, and I have to tell her, other than a Beginning God, she’s the only being in the entire realm who can control the Binding. As long as she’s tied to the Messenger, she’ll always be able to. How do I tell the being who I care fiercely about, you have to get over your fear and disdain of being a god, the power you have, and do this or don’t and we just hand it over to our father?”
“Putting everything you said first on pause, do you really think she has a fear of being a god and having power?”
“I do. Every time her power has surfaced on its own, it’s resulted in something negative in her mind. The two times she starshot, she was wrapped in Riven’s power, and it was masking those doubts and fears.”
He exhales, running his hands down his face. I’m sure he’s trying to find something to say that contradicts what I’m saying, but he can’t.
I’ve observed her tirelessly, for countless reasons, and I see her power’s uncooperative nature for what it is.
“She hasn’t tried to use her powers once since we left or starshoot. Then when she was telling us what happened, she said of course it didn’t help with anything, but it wouldn’t have because it sensed she was with an ancient creature, then a god who meant her no harm.”
“Exactly. She only seeks it when she’s in danger, not every day like it’s a piece of her. She’s yet to have what she considers a truly positive experience with it, and although she hasn’t admitted it, I believe she also fears it’s going to remind us too much of our father. Therefore, she doesn’t try at all.”
“I’m not saying this to harp on you or anything, but you obviously know more about her powers than we do. You said you didn’t want to make assumptions to her after Hellveilious, yet you haven’t tried talking to her about it. You don’t think that would’ve helped to do by now?”
“I did at first, yes. Between my own assumption and V’s guidance, I had decided to ease her into the conversation. Then I read the Book of the Gods Binding and found out more than I bargained for. I threw myself into it, trying to find a work-around, another answer, something, because the truth I found is going to do nothing but scare her more. That’s why I said I don’t know how to tell her.”
“You tell her gently but firmly. Then you all work on it, support her. She’s going to need it.”
Kyzen jumps practically into me as V waddles out of our closet.
“You scared the hell out of me. How long have you been in there?”
“The whole time.”
