I brace one of my hands on his chest and sit myself up, smiling as I ruffle his wet hair with the other.
“Holy shit, you scared me. I didn’t even see you lay yourself down. Did you take a shower?”
He runs his fingers up my thighs, and his smirk widens as he grips my hips with nothing in his way. “I did. Record time. I didn’t want to be away from you for long.”
My gaze softens and the irritation leaks from my body as his masterful fingers run circles around my bare skin.
His words probably hold truth to them, but I know he also means,I know you don’t want to be alone, but you’re not going to tell me that, so I’m going to put all the blame on myself, then you won’t feel some type of way about yourself.
“Kyzen,” I whisper, cupping his cheek. “Are you okay?”
His face cracks for a millisecond. “Of course I am. You shouldn’t be worrying about me right now, though. Are you okay?”
My head shakes before my mouth even parts. “No, I’m not.”
“Do you want to talkabout it?”
His question drains the building pressure in my chest. I quit holding my weight and fully sit myself on top of him.
“I feel so guilty, for so many things. It’s eating me alive. The further I bury it, the more it unsettles me.”
He tilts his head to the side, slowing his soothing strokes on my sides. “Like what?”
“Like, if Yemi had no association with me, this never would’ve happened to her. She literally got kidnapped and thrown into Hellveilious because of me. Shit continues to change for her because of me.
“I killed multiple people today. They weren’t Dark Gods or creatures but criminals. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty about that. The man I turned to ash, he…” My throat closes, and I choke down the lump as I tell him what Dimitri did to Mazie’s family.
I’ll never forget her name.
After a deep breath, I keep going.
“I continue to need all of you to rescue me because this weird-ass fucking tie in me has created powers thathada mind of their own but now seem to be altering or settling or whatever in favor ofhim. The only thing they do is cause me issues. More issues for all of us. Gods and all of you.” I pause again, rubbing my hands down my face.
When he squeezes my hips and opens his mouth, I press my finger to his lips to keep him from speaking.
“I feel so much guilt over putting you in the position I’ve put you in. And I don’t just mean me wanting all of you. That’s causing enough issues between the four of you.
“The consequences of us failing this quest for the Binding sits in my mind all day, every day. Not just because I’m afraid of us failing andhimtaking me, but also, I know you four will follow me. If that happens, I want you to follow me. I can’t picture a life without you all in it now. I feel like the realm’s most selfish person for wanting and saying that. There’s a chance, because of me, you’ll all have to go back to that horrid place and face a past none of you are ready to face.
“Both when we methimin his temple and today in the Judgment Rings, I saw sides of you all that I don’t know. Sides none of you want to let out. It’s clear as day for me to see because I do the same. I’m a thirty-year-old woman who barely knows how to express all her emotions because I suppress, suppress, suppress until I explode.
“Then, like right now, I feel shitty, gross, and embarrassed for just letting it all out. I don’t know how to open up as we go. I know how to ignore and act oblivious like Riven said. I don’t even know how to process the fact I nearly died today. My heart hurts, yet my mind tells me to get over it. I didn’t die, so it doesn’t matter.”
His hand shakes as he releases my hip and wipes away a slow, single tear that escaped my eye.
I want to fidget, pull away, but I don’t allow myself to.
“I don’t like confrontation,” he murmurs as he lays his hand on my thigh.
“I’m not trying to be—”
He places his finger on my lips just as I did him. I stare in the baby blue rings that flare to life in his eyes.
“You heard Creed say he was seven when he was put in charge of Hellveilious. We were all seven when our father assigned us our roles. At that age, I had no clue our father was an evil bastard. Everything that was happening around me was normal. I wasn’t on the receiving end of his abuse yet. Of course, every now and then, he’d discipline us, but it was nothing compared to what was to come.
“Thanks to my power, I learned how to wield a sword far better and faster than not only my brothers but half of his army. At night, I’d stay up, practicing in my room. I told myself I was going to make him proud. In training, he was going to praise my efforts just like he did Creed’s when we trained our powers.
“On our seventh birthdays, he lined us up in front of his throne, told us we weregodlyenough to begin contributing to the Valorian Veil, most importantly, the Abandon. One by one, he assigned our roles. Something inside of me turned sour when he smiled down at me and told me I was his new Executioner. I didn’t even know what the word meant. Amick shouted ‘No,’ and he backhanded him, made some threats that sent him back into silence. I knew then, whatever I’d been assigned was bad.”
