“Oh, really?” I question skeptically.
Ryker makes eye contact and holds it. It’s a very dangerous game if we were enemies, but as it is, he’s making a claim in front of an alpha. “I don’t care what you’re planning, Knox.” I quirk an eyebrow. “I know you’re planning something. Just know you’re not the only one. I will be a part of her life, in some shape or form.”
A small smile pulls at my lips as the friendly challenge is raised by my brother. It’s just the motivation I needed to spark that ember sitting dormant in me. This is a different challenge I can get behind. The hunt, the pursuit of getting closer to her. There’s something about her that makes me want to—no, not want—need. Ineedto know more about her. What makes her tick, her hopes, her fears. How can an Alpha take care of her? Would she even want an Alpha? That’s the real question. Yes, I’ve fucked up from the beginning, but the best part is I think I’m ahead compared to my brothers.
Leaning back against the sofa with my arms spreading across the back, my body sinks into bliss. My muscles relax as a predatory smile graces my lips. The thought of every man being out for himself might not be a bad thing. Because one thing I’ve learned from my father is that an Alpha never gives up, and he doesn’t lose.
ChapterEleven
CRACKING ARMOR
Levi
Since when did my life go from having everything under control to a shit show of emotions flying everywhere and nothing staying in order? For someone who should be good with controlling emotions, mine have finally gotten the better of me. Sitting here in Exile, watching Knox with his ‘I approve’ smile, Ryker throwing down a damn challenge, and Ezekiel jumping off the deep end, I realize my family is falling apart, and I have no idea how to stop it. The only person I feel like I can talk to is Dad, but then I would have to tell him how much I’ve hurt Nerezza, and I don’t think I could handle the disappointment I would sense from him. Plus, I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about the Lilith essence possibility Ryker brought up.
It’s not that I don’t believe him, it’s just something I wish I would have heard from my own father first. The only thing I know about my birth mother is that she died in early childbirth and I was born at 30 weeks. Since I can remember, it has always been me raised with the guys and the council leaders. Lilith spent her time rotating between Hell and each of the guys' houses, including mine.
I’m sure the guys thought I was cold to the revelation that Ryker threw upon us, but that’s because, unlike my brothers, I know a lot about essences, where I’m sure they have no clue. Where they probably think it’s more like blood and we’re all related as in half-siblings, it’s quite different. We have some of Lilith’s powers and traits in common. Now how we have it, I have no clue. That will have to be saved for another time because, honestly, it doesn’t change anything. Not when my most pressing issue is how I can get Rez to forgive me.
Hopefully I can find a way to do that...I still can’t believe I was foolish enough to strive for Lilith’s approval when I’m not even her biological son. Refocusing, I take a deep breath and slowly exhale as I lock those feelings away.
It’s so much easier to diagnose someone else's feelings than my own. Though, it comes with a downside. The biggest is being able to feel someone’s true emotions, like at the beach. Nerezza came straight out and told me how she felt, but she left out the most painful one, the one that cut me up inside. She was devastated. Her emotions were so potent they couldn’t be faked, and believe me, I can always tell when someone tries. I never realized how much words can slice through you and stab you right in the heart until that night. Or maybe it was the fact I finally allowed someone in enough to be able to?
For years I’ve looked for Lilith’s approval and even taken her backhanded compliments just to have some form of favor. So, I’ve come to expect pain and disappointment, in a roundabout way, but I always let her have her wins. But those hits coming from Nerezza? They were a million times worse.
Knox and Ryker are making their claim, or at least their intent, clear to still pursue Nerezza, but where does that leave me? I’m the unofficial leader of this group, yet I’m on the outside looking in. I have no idea what trait I received from Lilith, but I wish it was the mate one that Ryker is too dense to see. He will never accept the truth from his own father. He’ll just have to realize that on his own.
I wonder if the essence that I received had anything to do with the fact that I struggle with learning the simplest tasks, like human nature. I thought emotions would just make me weaker, a distraction at most, but maybe I’m wrong. What I’m feeling from my brothers is a sense of unity and determination. There’s no calculating risks, worry, or nervousness, only pride, self-assuredness, and peace.
How long has it been since I felt that for myself? Sitting here and trying to do just that, I come up blank. I don’t think I’ve ever had that in my life. How sad is that? I’ve always tried to follow in Lilith’s footsteps and be a better person, but it turns out I might not know that much about my mother figure after all if what Carl told Ryker was true. What have I been striving for all this time? Is it truly what I want, or is it what others want for me? Was Nerezza right to be sorry for me?
“Levi!” Knox says, pulling me out of my musing.
“Yes,” I say, looking up and seeing a worried look on his face. I imagine he must have been calling me for a while now.
“Are you okay? You haven’t said much,” he asks, worrying about me. Our alphahole is truly a softie at heart.
“Yes, sorry about that. I was just thinking.” I give him a slight smile and wince when the skin at my jaw pulls.
“Come on, I have some balm in my bathroom you can have,” Knox states, tipping his head toward his room, and I follow him.
Walking into his room, the first thing I see that’s out of place is his notebook of lyrics. He has yet to let me read any of them. I love reading and music, but he keeps that close to his heart. The second thing I notice is a small piece of driftwood sitting on his night stand.Where the hell did that come from? And why does he have it?
“Ahh! Here is it,” he says, rummaging in the cabinet underneath his sink. Placing the familiar blue container on the counter, he quickly washes and dries his hands before opening the lid. “Well, come closer; I don’t want to drop any,” Knox instructs as I walk over, shocked that he would administer it himself. “I figured we could talk for a minute,” he says.Ahh. Now this makes sense.
“What about?” I ask as he spreads the balm not so gently on my jaw, but I don’t pick up any anger, just concern.
“Are you really okay?” I’m momentarily shocked. My eyes going wide and I slightly jerk back as Knox shrugs, recapping the container. “I figured someone should ask, and Ryker looks to have his own issues to deal with at the moment.”
“Ryker’s mate is obviously Rez, right?” I point out.
“Duh.”
“Should we tell him?”
“Hell no. Mate or not, he needs to earn her like the rest of us, preferably after I win my spot with her, if she’ll have me.” Knox smiles slightly.
“Good. Should someone tell Zeke about it?”
