That encounter happened right after his second divorce. I knew that his failed relationships were a result of his lack of relationship with our mama.
“I don’t know. I guess I just hoped we could have a meaningful reunion. Wryn won’t come to see me, but Paloma’s visited several times.”
“Mama, I know it’s not your fault, but these up-and-down episodes have plagued us all our lives. The present and loving mama will quickly be replaced with the suspicious, withdrawn mama until she disappears. We don’t know how long you’ll stay, if you’ll stay, and when you’ll disappear again. It takes a toll on a person after a while, leaves their soul empty and abandoned. But I’m sure that Wryn will come around in his own time.”
She nodded, and her gaze drifted out the window. I wondered what she saw, if anything at all. She may have been lost in her head for the length of time the silence went on. The wheat-colored curtains blew lightly on the breeze. The window was raised midway, and the voices of children playing on the sidewalk below could be heard.
“I’m sorry.” She finally spoke and pulled me back into the moment.
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all that,” I apologized.
She sighed and turned her gaze back to me. “It’s true though. You were my baby. Whenever I was lucid, you brought me the most happiness. I always saw the hope and faith in your eyes. It never went away back then. It hurts to see that it’s gone now.”
I huffed a sound that was a cross between derision and laughter. “It didn’t happen overnight. I just . . . needed to guard my heart after a while, that’s all.” I felt bad, but what could be done?
“Well, like I said before, I’ve been on my meds and continually remaining in therapy.”
“For how long though, Ma?”
“I’ve been out of the hospital for almost two months, and I’m still doing good.”
I reached out and touched her warm, soft brown hand. I didn’t want to take hope away from her or be the reason she stopped taking her medication. “I believe you will keep doing good. Everything will be okay,” I lied.
She smiled, and her eyes moistened with tears as she quickly shook her head. “Don’t do that.”
I shrugged. “What do you want me to say?”
“I know this hasn’t been an easy road for you three. It hasn’t been for me either. Getting pregnant with Wryn at fifteen took a toll on me, and then turning around and getting pregnant with Lo at seventeen didn’t help matters. I hadn’t been diagnosed yet. The diagnosis came when I was pregnant with you a couple of years later.”
“Being raised by your grandmother didn’t provide you with the support you needed, huh?”
“No, it didn’t. She was already sick when Lo came along, which was when things first started getting difficult for me. She passed away a few months after you were born.”
“I don’t know why God chooses some of us to embark on the journeys that we do, but this one’s yours, and I’ma be here with you on it. I can’t lie; just as it won’t be easy for you some days, it won’t be for me either. I’ll try not to pressure you too much, but try and give me that same grace. Okay?”
“You forgive me for not being there and us not being a real family?”
“We were a real family, Ma. We were the family that God formed us to be. I mean, we might not have been like other families, but we mattered to each other. I never blamed you for us being uprooted and living an unstable life, and I didn’t blame you for all the things that happened to us along the way. I only blamed you for refusing to take your meds,” I confessed.
I also blamed my dad for being a deadbeat dad, whoever in the hell he was.
She nodded and smiled. I loved my mother more than anything, but her depression and emotional unavailability took its toll on me. I could handle both of those better than I could her disappearing acts.
“What happened to that pretty girl you were dating? You know I saw you on the news. You were going to some charity event. They said you seldom come out in public, and everyone was excited to catch you out with that woman. What’s her name?” she asked, snapping her fingers.
“Daniella.”
The event that she referenced was a charity event for underprivileged children in the city. I had been Daniella’s plus one that night, though I hadn’t wanted to attend. She had torn into me until I agreed to go. She launched accusations of me not loving her enough, thinking she wasn’t pretty enough, tocheating with the hostess or someone on the committee who put the event together.
“Yeah. She’s a pretty girl. She’s a supermodel, right?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“You should’ve brought her with you. I would like to meet her.”
“She’s not my girlfriend anymore, Mama.”
“Oh. Why not?” She looked as if it were a personal affront to her.
