LaSalle
After getting Tasha out of her clothes and into her pajamas, I needed to hold her for a while. Today was rough. I knew it would be a hard day; I just had no idea how hard it would be.
From the time I woke this morning, I had an ache in my chest. Losing Lucia wasn’t like losing Ellen. This type of blindside hits differently.
The feelings of betrayal weren’t there. I was a father, hurt and lost. However, I was also don and in the middle of tying up what I started.
I got to hold my baby girl once before she was gone. In that one embrace, she stole my heart. I was ready for the long nights and tiny, insistent cries.
Sunny was still so young; I knew my wife would need me more than ever to help with a newborn. We had done this three times before—having children back-to-back.
I knew the sacrifice I was in for, but I was ready. Making it was my duty, but when Lucia looked up at me for the first time, I was ready to make it over and over again.
“Babe?” Tasha says softly as I hold her in my arms while we lie in our bed.
We’ve been lying in silence, absorbing each other’s strength. I wish I could change what happened. Not just earlier, but how we lost our daughter.
I think it aches more that I can’t. No matter how much I want, I can’t bring her back. It doesn’t feel right, but it’s a reality I’ve had to learn to deal with.
“Yeah?”
“How are you holding up?”
“Are you asking how I’m doing it or how I am?”
“Both.”
I think for a moment, trying to find the right words. This isn’t just about me. I wasn’t the one to carry our daughter for nine months.
“I’m going to be real with you. I’ve been doing what I have to so I can make sure you and the kids are okay. But walking in and finding you like that with Reese and Val nearly broke me.
“That shit hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe. If I could take that pain away, I’d walk to the depths of hell to be able to. I’ve known pain before, but this is something different.
“I can’t explain it. I’m getting through because I have to, but I couldn’t tell you how. As far as how I’m doing, I’m here, I’m trying, I want to be whatever you need.”
“Thanks. That means a lot.”
I kiss the top of her head and begin to rub her back. I’m trying to pour as much of my strength into her as I can. If I have to give her every last drop, I will.
“I love you. You don’t have to thank me for something I’m supposed to do.”
“I love you too. Can I ask what Sammy said that made you come back?”
I stare up at the ceiling as his words come back to me. Again, I don’t know if it was so much what he said as how he said it. My gut told me to drop the kids with Mom and Dad and come back to my wife.
“It was one of his songs. ‘She will burn it all. Her pain will consume and only the ones who love her most will be able to pull her from the flames.’ I thought of the candle we planned to burn in Lucia’s memory and decided to come home.”
“Has he ever explained why he sings certain things?”
“In fact, he did. A few weeks ago, I found him in the hallway singing to himself. When I realized the words, I asked.”
“What did he say?”
“It’s because of you. You used to get him to sing songs to focus and calm down. Now he sings when it’s something important he needs to remember. Things he needs to see through, he said.”
“Oh, wow.” Tasha starts to sniffle. “You know what? I hate that he sees my rage. I’m so angry, but I don’t want any of you, especially Sammy, to see how angry I am.”
“Do you really think you would have set the place on fire?”
