Unseeing, I move to the changing table, stepping over the tiny clothes now all over the place. Then I pick up the little onesie resting there. “Welcome Home” is printed on the front in pink letters. All at once it hits me, this isn’t a dream; she’s not coming home.
My legs buckle and I hit the floor, releasing everything I’ve been holding in over the last year. Instead of allowing myself to feel, I threw myself into work, the Alliance, and taking care of my other children. I never grieved Lucia because it didn’t feel real.
“Oh God,” I choke out as pain sears through me. “My baby. My little girl. Why?”
Holding the onesie to my chest, I double over and sob so hard my back aches. I couldn’t stop if I wanted to. Suddenly, it’s like I can feel her in my arms once again. She was the smallest of my babies.
They say when dark-skinned women like me have babies with white men we begin to run out of ink with each baby. I believe that was the case with Lucia because not even her littleears had much pigment. I remember joking about it with LaSalle and Val.
Shannon being so much lighter after being the third of Val’s father’s children made us chuckle more even though Shannon has a different mother. However, Eva is the youngest and lightest of Val’s children, so we planned to wait and see.
“You would have been beautiful no matter what,” I sob.
I allow the pain to take me over and give in to all my feelings. I held her; she was mine. This doesn’t feel right, and I don’t think I’ll ever be okay about it. Lord, forgive me, but this hurts.
We had talked about all the things we would teach her and what she would be like. LaSalle was as happy as I was to be having another girl. Tomorrow I’ll be strong for everyone again, not today. Not now.
“I’ve found her,” I hear Val say, not knowing how long I’ve been down here sobbing.
However, I can’t move. I’m curled in a ball holding my baby’s tiny onesie and for once I’m so fucking lost and don’t have any answers.
“Hey, sis. We’re here. It’s me and Reese; the others hung back. Sammy called and said it should be the two of us that find you.”
I don’t know why hearing her say that makes this more real for me. As if knowing Sammy has seen me in pain like this erases my hopes that this could all be a lie or a bad dream.
“Hey, girl. We’ve got you. One day at a time, we’ll take it one day at a time,” Reese says as she and Val help me upright as they wrap around me while rocking me.
“My baby,” I sob.
“I know, honey. It hurts like hell, and no one will ever understand how much. I have five living babies now, but I will never forget the ones I lost. The longer you carry them, the deeper it hurts.
“But God, you guys and Nico have helped me. I’ve pushed my way through by faith and I know someone as strong as you can too. Get it all out, girl. We’re here.”
“This isn’t real. It doesn’t feel real. I want to hurt someone for this, but who?”
“Neonatal deathshappen. There could have been a number of factors, honey,” Reese replies.
“But why her? Why my little angel?”
“We don’t know, Bella. Maybe God needed her light back sooner. I wish there was someone’s head I could hand you for this.
“If I could, I would in a heartbeat. For now, all I can do is sit with my big sis and be there for her. Take all my strength you need,” Val says as she rubs my hair.
“That won’t be necessary. I’ve got it from here, ladies. Thank you.” LaSalle’s voice rumbles into the room.
I turn my head to find him standing in the doorway, watching us with a pained expression. Without breaking eye contact, he comes straight for me and scoops me up into his arms, bridal style. I bury my face in his neck and inhale his scent as he starts out of the room.
“Where are the kids? Do you need us to take them?” Val calls after him.
“No, I took them to my parents. Something Sammy said earlier made me change my plans, but if you could see if Sammy will stay with you guys tonight, that would be appreciated.”
“I’ve got you. Don’t worry about him,” Val says.
“Love you, sis. Call me anytime you need,” Reese says.
I look over LaSalle’s shoulder and nod my head. It’s all I can do. His strong arms are going a long way to soothe the ache inside. So I cling to that feeling and try to breathe.
I love you, Lucia. Mommy will always love you.
