My lower lip starts to tremble. “I let him.” I angrily wipe at my eyes. “He protected me. He just couldn’t protect me from himself, and I never learnt how to say no to him.” Defiant tears escape. “I love Erik. Deeply. Truly. As a brother.” I start to hiccup sobs, and she reaches for me, wrapping her arms around me. “I miss him!” I wail the words as they find freedom for the first time. “Who he was before this. Who he was to me before he changed everything between us. I don't remember the first time! I don't remember. I don’t think I said yes but I don't think I ever said no either. I just let him do things to me until he was done, and he kept thanking me, over and over and over again while he moved inside me."
"Oh, my God.That's heavy."
I nod into her hair and pull away. I rub fiercely at my wet cheeks, huffing at my incessant sobs.
"It’s okay,” Elise says. “Crying is good. Healthy.”
“Annoying.”
She blinks at me after I have mildly gathered myself. “Talking is good, too. Why didn't you push him away?"
I deflate. "He told me to listen to my body.”
Her eyes widen. "Come on, Blesk. He is… He’s really manipulative. Like, clinically, so.”
"He was right. My body…” I exhale a shaky breath. “I did enjoy it, and he was even more devoted to me after. It seemed like a small thing to give him for loving me," I admit, and then all the words come at once as if they were simmering and now, they are bubbling over. "To be honest, I thought that when he left for college this whole other side of our relationship would change and end. It didn’t. I don't want that kind of relationship with him. I don't love him likethat,I don’t think. I thought he was finished with me, and that we could go back to being siblings, and I guess I was wrong. I'm an idiot."
"No, you're not," she says. "You're amazing, but I have to be honest with you 'cause, like, that's my jam. You came from a broken home. He used your vulnerabilities against you. He is a bad guy, Blesk. You don't owe anyone for loving you. There is no price on love."
Studying her serious blue eyes, I take in her words. All of them. Like swallowing medicine. "Erik thinks he owns me because he healed me.”
Elise looks at me strangely. "He doesn’t own you, Blesk, and no offense, you don’t look fucking healed to me.”
Wow. And… “Ouch.” I laugh through a splutter of tears.
Elise half-smiles. "I think my work here is done for the day. Actually, no, no, it isn't." She lifts her fist, then her knuckles hit the side of my breast with a thump.
I gape at her. “What the?”
"That was a tit punch. Now, let's talk about Konnor.” She arches a single dark brow at me. “You’ve had some mighty strong boundaries with him this week. That shows something.”
“What? That I’m a bitch.”
“That you knew he’d respect them.”
Changing the subject, I say, "I think that's enough for one session. That first confession felt like a lobotomy. I don't need another this soon.”
She doesn’t listen. Of course. "You know Konnor's love doesn't come with a price, right? He just loves you, and he will accept this side of your past. He will. I have no doubt.”
I sigh. “That little girl isperfectto him. I don’t want to ruin her for him. If he knew?—”
“He loves you.”
"He doesn't love me," I say. "He doesn’tknowme."
"Yes.” Her voice is curt and adamant. “He does love you. And true love can get to know someone, all of them, and want to be with them anyway."
"Thank you for that analysis, Freud."
She wrinkles her nose. "Eww, not Freud. No, Blesk. Take it back. And also, you're welcome."
I lower my feet from the wall and roll to sit up. “Konnor has a perfect life. He has all these awesome friends. Every girl wants to be with him...”Ugh.“He’s a star rugby player, and I’m going to destroy his pretty memory of Liz. His dream girl.”
She pops her lips. “Pity party.”
“Come on, Elise,” I groan.
“Can we get real?” she asks. “Like, real real?"
